Musings...

Thanksgiving week and I know my cup runneth over, I know it. Trouble is, I'm having a hard time paying attention.

My mind is elsewhere and it bothers me because I don't like to live so fragmented--with my mind and heart operating on different planes. I'm preoccupied by a person so insignificant; mired by memories and thoughts that keep me fixed in a period I need to move past.

My rational mind realizes this but my emotional mind can't let go, won't let go.

I feel incomplete and wanting--there is also general financial uneasiness settling in for good reason. I have always rested in peace that the universe would provide for me--now that I am on my own, I need more than faith somehow. The stakes are higher--I have no fallback.

So much keeping me from being present...

Poems from my past...

I was recently reading through some journals of old and, wow. It's always so interesting to revisit the thoughts that once traversed the mind--regardless of how dark they may be.

Nevertheless, I found some poetry of mine that I really like and wanted to share here.

You...
I am here
within the bliss
aside the stride
consuming breath
inhaling, exhaling
~ecstasy~
~elation~
~contentment~
breathe, I tell myself
inhaling, exhaling
begin again
ahhh...
here we go love.

I leave the interpretation of the above to your own imagination...

I give up.
I give in.
I give my last.
I take the blame.

Fairy tale fortunes
costless bliss awry.

I do not believe in the myths.

I will not buy into the falsehoods.

Fucking castles in the clouds; thunder.

Bastard knights or sleeping princesses; drugged.

Poisonous apples and fatal beauty; alas, a smile of reality.

I will not be love's pawn, I will be unmoved.

I am the untouchable, unbreakable.

The tainted love shall not imprison
My heart will not soften at it's whisper
My lips pursed and cursed
Ears deaf; I'm humming
Love is, alas
Alas it is...
...in me
wreak your havoc upon me.

This was me fighting the urge to love the woman who came to be my partner of 7 years.

As I step lightly, I am naive and new.
I am wisdom of all that I do not know
I am free to redefine who I come to be.
I am my own heritage.
The stories of souls within me,
speak the volumes I have yet to learn.
While composed of the essences of lives before,
I tread my own way,
because it must be my way,
can only be my way.

I've only just begun
and it may be near the end.

Will the peril offset my vision?

Never.

I stare deep into life,
"I dare your best".

I've only just begun,
and in beginning, I am alive.

I am alive.
I am beginning.
I am end.
I am choice.
I am time,
in the passing
of a life,
I am vision.

This was another period of upheaval, when I looked into the future and said, "Bring it on."

"Loss"
The length of time, a second.
The waning of the moon,
the breath before life escapes us,
the lie within the truth.

The chance never taken,
the feelings never voiced,
the beauty seen by no one,
the ugly seen by all.

The "what if" of our tomorrow,
"if only" of yesterdays,
the change never fostered,
the one who got away.

The goodbye that kept it's promise,
the tears upon a cheek,
the space between a moment,
the ones who go unseen.

Sunday morning...

Coffee brewing in the kitchen, CBS Sunday Morning News in the background and children sleeping--it's nice.

Time and space to myself.

It's interesting--since I began working full-time, I've realized just how much I took my time for granted before and I miss the days of waking up and writing while the kids made their breakfast or read their books or slept late into the morning.

I miss that dream world, that alternate universe that we lived and moved in--I miss crafting on a whim, spontaneous tea times or field trips, baking bread and cookies, grocery shopping during 'off' times, I miss all of that and the little things I don't think of until I'm in a moment where it might have been possible and now it's not.

But here's the trade-off. Now I am in total control of my environment and I alone answer to myself alone. I no longer feel strapped to another or dependant upon another, I no longer feel like my whole world would cave if my partner left me, I no longer fashion and lead the way for a couple whereby the other is fully capable of their own fashioning and leading but concedes the role to me.

This place is new territory--it scares me, it overwhelms me, it saddens me and gladdens me and I take solace in knowing that this place, this choice that I am living out unfolds because I stepped into my life, because I took the reins for once and took over.

If this life is not to be lived then what is my purpose?

I believe we do certain things for our children, yes, we have an obligation. However, I do not believe that I should position myself in a place of safety and predictability that stifles my spirit and leaves me wanting ONLY to provide nest of comfort.

There is more here. They should see that too. I have taught them that it's never too late to shift the path, to change directions or jump if the moment's right.

Ahhh...it's much too complex to fully explore here, in one entry on one Sunday morning, especially now that the children are awake and they have their questions and they want to share things with me and amid the writing I've divided my focus between them and my own thoughts and made hot chocolates...it's time to jump into this part of my day.

Perhaps I'll finally write that book...

Before breakfast

No one should have had this much activity before 10:00 in the morning--I am so tight with stress and need space to unwind.

Welcome to that space.

Already, I had a late night indulging in my weakness: L-Word on DVD. I must have watched 8 episodes and could have watched more but I was on call so I rationed my intake and made myself go to sleep at near 3:00 in the morning.

Then, at 5:00, I was paged--didn't have to leave until 8:00 when I received the final call but the hours in between were filled with interrupted sleep and more pages and phone calls as the coordination happened.

From the center, I came home to change clothes as I had a yoga class to teach at 10:00--fortunately, not one student came. Don't get me wrong--I LOVE teaching yoga, it's my heart. But this morning, I needed down time and space and my children in my orbit.

Here I sit, having coffee, writing, news in the background and breakfast muffins and vegetarian sausage toasting--children in my orbit.

Bliss.

The kids and I are going to play a game in a few minutes--I just need space to unwind for a bit and to allow the thoughts to skitter through my mind.

It feels good to think, to let the mind out of her box to run wild with no worries, no limits, no duties--to unfold.

That is all I ask for anymore, space to unfold--I've started something big and I want the fortitude to see it through, to set the tone and 'be'.

I have felt this urgency to couple myself to another lately--it's SO my modus operandi. Well, here is this wonderful opportunity to work on me, to focus on me and to be with me. I know I should and on some level I want to--I missed the whole dating scene and while dating is overrated, I do welcome the chance to be more discerning and more intentional in my choices from here.

I'm so fucking impatient--I want the end result already. Breathe Tina. Unfold. Moment by moment.