Sunday morning...

Coffee brewing in the kitchen, CBS Sunday Morning News in the background and children sleeping--it's nice.

Time and space to myself.

It's interesting--since I began working full-time, I've realized just how much I took my time for granted before and I miss the days of waking up and writing while the kids made their breakfast or read their books or slept late into the morning.

I miss that dream world, that alternate universe that we lived and moved in--I miss crafting on a whim, spontaneous tea times or field trips, baking bread and cookies, grocery shopping during 'off' times, I miss all of that and the little things I don't think of until I'm in a moment where it might have been possible and now it's not.

But here's the trade-off. Now I am in total control of my environment and I alone answer to myself alone. I no longer feel strapped to another or dependant upon another, I no longer feel like my whole world would cave if my partner left me, I no longer fashion and lead the way for a couple whereby the other is fully capable of their own fashioning and leading but concedes the role to me.

This place is new territory--it scares me, it overwhelms me, it saddens me and gladdens me and I take solace in knowing that this place, this choice that I am living out unfolds because I stepped into my life, because I took the reins for once and took over.

If this life is not to be lived then what is my purpose?

I believe we do certain things for our children, yes, we have an obligation. However, I do not believe that I should position myself in a place of safety and predictability that stifles my spirit and leaves me wanting ONLY to provide nest of comfort.

There is more here. They should see that too. I have taught them that it's never too late to shift the path, to change directions or jump if the moment's right.

Ahhh...it's much too complex to fully explore here, in one entry on one Sunday morning, especially now that the children are awake and they have their questions and they want to share things with me and amid the writing I've divided my focus between them and my own thoughts and made hot chocolates...it's time to jump into this part of my day.

Perhaps I'll finally write that book...