I had to know...

"I had to know I could leave, to know that I could stay."

This line is from a book I read recently--once read, this line reconciled the confusion I felt over my situation and where I found myself once the 'leaving' was over.

Now I can stay because I choose to stay...not because I have to or know no other way.

My life is in my hands.

A fairy among us...

My life is no busier than anyone elses this time of year so I will not bore you with a 'this is how busy I've been' backdrop.

After a 5:30 AM personal yoga practice, teaching my 8 AM yoga class and a long day at work, my little family joined my brother's little family at his house last night for food, presents and fun.
It was wonderful. I had brought chocolate for melting and the cousins dipped and decorated pretzels and candy canes and lollipops, played Wii and we all enjoyed each other's company.

By 9:00, when we said goodbye for our drive home, I was exhausted. Physically spent and mentally drained--I had nothing left and the highway in front of me seemed foreign and much longer than EVER before.

That's when he said it, my little man.

"The tooth fairy's coming tonight!"

My heart sank.

A little bit of backdrop is necessary here.

Little man has had a very persistent baby tooth clinging to it's place in the ole' gums, above that a partial tooth and above that, the permanent tooth with no chance of descent because of it's position and the obvious barriers. So, step by step, our dentist is creating a path--yesterday, my little man took a very powerful sleeping pill and endured 5 shots to have this baby tooth pulled. He was so brave and came out smiling, one tooth short.

It's no wonder that, after this ordeal, he was excited for the treaure the tooth fairy would bestow.

In all my sensitivity, clearly dulled from exhaustion, I suggested we arrange for the tooth fairy and santa on the same night (I knew I could NOT out last him and be able to perform my fairy duties) and because my children work SO hard to be understanding and patient with me and all of my imperfections, he stiffened that little chin, puffed up his chest, giggled a bit and said that would be fine.

By 10:30 PM, after our storytime, I was out--no thoughts stirring my mind up last night. I was O*U*T.

This morning, my daughter, with her sweet little sleepy face, told me that she filled my fairy shoes--she had taken the $5 she received in her stocking the night before and left it on his nightstand. "I hope you don't mind" she said, "He just seemed so sad".

I was so moved--to my core, moved. So honored to have this child in my orbit, in my life.

There's more.

We went in to wake sleepyhead and as he came to give me a hug, I noticed that his face was sparkling with 'fairy dust'--she hadn't skimped on the duties of a good fairy. She had taken her role very seriously.

When I tell him that his face is very glitter-y, the tooth fairy must have come, he lights up with his thrilled, snaggle smile and begins his search.

There it is on the nightstand--$5 folded around a precious stone. Another beat not missed.

It's as if I passed the fairy torch last night--all that I have given reflected back to me and the importance it holds in their hearts, their traditions and their memories.

My cup runneth over.

Fragments

I feel so overwhelmed and fragmented this morning--no morning walk for me and no morning yoga practice in lieu of a lousy hour more of sleep and making it to the office by 8:30 in order to leave early.

Breathe.

I'm trying.

But I am hitting myself with every possible blow and it's chipping away at my peace.

Holidaze.

Family coming to town.

Still needing to collect things from the old house--photo albums, pictures, outdoor furniture, plants, boxes. All the little bits that transform space into a home...

My children--who I feel are getting the ragged remains of mom at the end of her day, the fragments that weren't consumed prior to my seeing them.

Augh.

Curiosity

I feel as if I am a curiosity, a curious little thing and it suits me just fine but I wonder if people know what to do with me.

One person in particular handled me far too much for far too long, dulling my luster with their prints and the breath of being too close.

If it's all the same with you, admire me from afar next time and don't pull me from my shelf unless you're damn well certain you can handle what you find in the depths.

Trying love again...

I can't really explain what happened in the last 4 months--at least, I'm not there yet. I have ideas and stories I tell myself, stories we tell each other but the truth is elusive, there just below the surface, waiting for capture.

Nevertheless, we are baby-stepping toward each other again--more honest about where we are, more open about what we want, more willing to listen to the other, more interested in each other, more committed to our time, more involved in the space we occupy.

This makes me happy--this also makes me trepid.

There were real reasons we divided our home, our things, our lives and I want to make sure that we can overcome those obstacles, that we can call them forth, acknowledge them and decide what we do with them.

Are we stronger than what originally pulled us apart? Is our love deep enough? Are there ties that bind us and what are they made of?

Here's to trying love again--a love that never died, a love that changed formed, that bowed under the pressure of elements coincidentally coinciding--a love worth a second look.

The Lesson in Being Rear-Ended Again

It is just a car--a thing.

Certainly, yes?

Let me start from the beginning. I pulled into the parking lot at work totally blissed out. I had practiced yoga, breath work and meditation and had my morning hour-long walk--nothing could penetrate my zen.

Isn't that when it happens? Just when you think you cannot be moved...

I was sitting at my desk when I watched it happen--the freakishly large delivery truck, 4 tires short of being a semi, backed into my little-bitty car. There was not a damn thing I could do and there was a millisecond when I determined exactly how I would respond--anger or calm. This was my choice.

I had my 'FuCk!' moment but as I walked out to the parking lot to face the driver and assess the damage, I had my reckoning in the hall where I called on that part of me that had surfaced during my time on the mat, the part of me larger than a dented bumper, the part of me more compassionate than a blind rage, the part of me who saw past things to people, the part of me in control of how I respond to the moments of my life.

And just like that...I entered my life as an active participant, as the participant.

Now there was no skipping or tossing of flower petals but there was peace in me that translated into peace between us as we exchanged information and proceeded through the steps of reporting the incident.

The report was made, I called the insurance company to request an estimate and arranged for a body shop referral. Very little time lost, insignificant really, for what I learned.

I learned that I can control my reactions to this world and the moments I move through, I learned that I choose and I like how it left me feeling.

Gratitude

On this night, especially this night, I am prompted and moved to express my gratitude for my life and it's gifts.

My children--their smiles, energies, love and acceptance have changed my life and continue to nurture me on a daily basis. Because of them I am deeper, I am more plugged into life, I am more aware, I am bigger and better in spirit. They touch me so deeply.

My job--my mother recently lost her job and even while working, she was never happy to go to work. If I have to leave my children Monday-Friday, let it be because I have a career in a field that I love; in a field that moves me and excites me and inspires me--let it be this job I leave for every morning.

My morning walks and yoga practice--I have committed to walking 5 mornings a week and practicing yoga 7 mornings a week. This practice and commitment on my part has sustained me and continues to deepen my connection to myself, my purpose, my wants, desires, my path, my service, my potential and wonderful side effects have been my health and energy level and state of mind.

Morning coffee--I freakin' love that first cup.

Good music--feeds my soul and I have started a moving collection as of late.

Me--I am thankful for me. I am quite a woman and I admire me and I have made a life of standing in the center of a storm, strong and fierce and daring. I am grateful for my essence and my practice of yoga that taps into that essence on a daily basis.

Sex and the City--the reruns are on as I sit here still waiting to be tired so that I can manage at least 5 hours of sleep. I love those gals.

Can't sleep...

When I came home from work this evening, the kids were with their other mom. I had my apartment all to myself.

I ate a small bite and began to doze on the sofa. Excited by the possibility of an insane amount of sleep, I washed my face and brushed my teeth and snuggled under the covers.

In no time at all, the thoughts began to flood my mind--things left undone, things left to do, inadequacies in my mothering, my homeschooling, a laundry list of things I still need from the house in order to be 'completely' moved out and moved in--a general panic had ensued.

This is not unusual for me--something about closing my eyes sometimes, it's all I need to flip the switch and tear myself apart.

So I surrendered and got out of bed to write. I have missed the small windows of reflection throughout my day that I used to enjoy. True--everyday I'm finding that I can do more and more than I ever imagined while working full-time, so I feel certain that I will find time for this, my creative soul, but until then I keep everything inside in pieces and it surfaces when I close my eyes on a night that I stood to sleep longer than five hours.

Musings...

Thanksgiving week and I know my cup runneth over, I know it. Trouble is, I'm having a hard time paying attention.

My mind is elsewhere and it bothers me because I don't like to live so fragmented--with my mind and heart operating on different planes. I'm preoccupied by a person so insignificant; mired by memories and thoughts that keep me fixed in a period I need to move past.

My rational mind realizes this but my emotional mind can't let go, won't let go.

I feel incomplete and wanting--there is also general financial uneasiness settling in for good reason. I have always rested in peace that the universe would provide for me--now that I am on my own, I need more than faith somehow. The stakes are higher--I have no fallback.

So much keeping me from being present...

Poems from my past...

I was recently reading through some journals of old and, wow. It's always so interesting to revisit the thoughts that once traversed the mind--regardless of how dark they may be.

Nevertheless, I found some poetry of mine that I really like and wanted to share here.

You...
I am here
within the bliss
aside the stride
consuming breath
inhaling, exhaling
~ecstasy~
~elation~
~contentment~
breathe, I tell myself
inhaling, exhaling
begin again
ahhh...
here we go love.

I leave the interpretation of the above to your own imagination...

I give up.
I give in.
I give my last.
I take the blame.

Fairy tale fortunes
costless bliss awry.

I do not believe in the myths.

I will not buy into the falsehoods.

Fucking castles in the clouds; thunder.

Bastard knights or sleeping princesses; drugged.

Poisonous apples and fatal beauty; alas, a smile of reality.

I will not be love's pawn, I will be unmoved.

I am the untouchable, unbreakable.

The tainted love shall not imprison
My heart will not soften at it's whisper
My lips pursed and cursed
Ears deaf; I'm humming
Love is, alas
Alas it is...
...in me
wreak your havoc upon me.

This was me fighting the urge to love the woman who came to be my partner of 7 years.

As I step lightly, I am naive and new.
I am wisdom of all that I do not know
I am free to redefine who I come to be.
I am my own heritage.
The stories of souls within me,
speak the volumes I have yet to learn.
While composed of the essences of lives before,
I tread my own way,
because it must be my way,
can only be my way.

I've only just begun
and it may be near the end.

Will the peril offset my vision?

Never.

I stare deep into life,
"I dare your best".

I've only just begun,
and in beginning, I am alive.

I am alive.
I am beginning.
I am end.
I am choice.
I am time,
in the passing
of a life,
I am vision.

This was another period of upheaval, when I looked into the future and said, "Bring it on."

"Loss"
The length of time, a second.
The waning of the moon,
the breath before life escapes us,
the lie within the truth.

The chance never taken,
the feelings never voiced,
the beauty seen by no one,
the ugly seen by all.

The "what if" of our tomorrow,
"if only" of yesterdays,
the change never fostered,
the one who got away.

The goodbye that kept it's promise,
the tears upon a cheek,
the space between a moment,
the ones who go unseen.

Sunday morning...

Coffee brewing in the kitchen, CBS Sunday Morning News in the background and children sleeping--it's nice.

Time and space to myself.

It's interesting--since I began working full-time, I've realized just how much I took my time for granted before and I miss the days of waking up and writing while the kids made their breakfast or read their books or slept late into the morning.

I miss that dream world, that alternate universe that we lived and moved in--I miss crafting on a whim, spontaneous tea times or field trips, baking bread and cookies, grocery shopping during 'off' times, I miss all of that and the little things I don't think of until I'm in a moment where it might have been possible and now it's not.

But here's the trade-off. Now I am in total control of my environment and I alone answer to myself alone. I no longer feel strapped to another or dependant upon another, I no longer feel like my whole world would cave if my partner left me, I no longer fashion and lead the way for a couple whereby the other is fully capable of their own fashioning and leading but concedes the role to me.

This place is new territory--it scares me, it overwhelms me, it saddens me and gladdens me and I take solace in knowing that this place, this choice that I am living out unfolds because I stepped into my life, because I took the reins for once and took over.

If this life is not to be lived then what is my purpose?

I believe we do certain things for our children, yes, we have an obligation. However, I do not believe that I should position myself in a place of safety and predictability that stifles my spirit and leaves me wanting ONLY to provide nest of comfort.

There is more here. They should see that too. I have taught them that it's never too late to shift the path, to change directions or jump if the moment's right.

Ahhh...it's much too complex to fully explore here, in one entry on one Sunday morning, especially now that the children are awake and they have their questions and they want to share things with me and amid the writing I've divided my focus between them and my own thoughts and made hot chocolates...it's time to jump into this part of my day.

Perhaps I'll finally write that book...

Before breakfast

No one should have had this much activity before 10:00 in the morning--I am so tight with stress and need space to unwind.

Welcome to that space.

Already, I had a late night indulging in my weakness: L-Word on DVD. I must have watched 8 episodes and could have watched more but I was on call so I rationed my intake and made myself go to sleep at near 3:00 in the morning.

Then, at 5:00, I was paged--didn't have to leave until 8:00 when I received the final call but the hours in between were filled with interrupted sleep and more pages and phone calls as the coordination happened.

From the center, I came home to change clothes as I had a yoga class to teach at 10:00--fortunately, not one student came. Don't get me wrong--I LOVE teaching yoga, it's my heart. But this morning, I needed down time and space and my children in my orbit.

Here I sit, having coffee, writing, news in the background and breakfast muffins and vegetarian sausage toasting--children in my orbit.

Bliss.

The kids and I are going to play a game in a few minutes--I just need space to unwind for a bit and to allow the thoughts to skitter through my mind.

It feels good to think, to let the mind out of her box to run wild with no worries, no limits, no duties--to unfold.

That is all I ask for anymore, space to unfold--I've started something big and I want the fortitude to see it through, to set the tone and 'be'.

I have felt this urgency to couple myself to another lately--it's SO my modus operandi. Well, here is this wonderful opportunity to work on me, to focus on me and to be with me. I know I should and on some level I want to--I missed the whole dating scene and while dating is overrated, I do welcome the chance to be more discerning and more intentional in my choices from here.

I'm so fucking impatient--I want the end result already. Breathe Tina. Unfold. Moment by moment.

A settling

Wow--the last few months have been crazy for sure. SO much change and so much upheaval, uncertainty, conflicting emotions--I have experienced the range, I have plummeted to my knees and I have risen beyond my physical self.

Now that the kiddos are home I have had to reevaluate my role in their lives--there has been an adjustment period. I cannot be consumed by my role for them any longer, just as I cannot be consumed by my role as partner to another person. I don't really know what happened on August 6th when I staked my claim on my own future and ended my relationship of 7 years, I have some ideas, but for the most part, I think I had begun to buckle under the weight of so much need from those around me. I had lost me and reached for any anchor I could draw to myself for stability and respite.

While the kids were away with my family, I drew into myself and came face-to-face with my essence. The ride has been life-changing. Not only that, I allowed my yoga practice to unfold and go deeper, to become a real part of my life, to become what I turn to and where I shape the path of my life. I met me. Not me the mother, not me the partner, not me the anything other than me, the essence.

I have always been afforded these wonderful periods of realization where I am able to find out what I'm made of--this was one of those and I still believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am unbreakable.

I followed my path all the way through the darkness, to where some might not dare to go lest they be lost forever but I went and I dared the space and I surfaced changed.

I don't know what this will look like in 2 weeks, 2 months or even tomorrow but I know, I know with the certainty that I know the sun will rise, I know I will make it and they will make it and I will never settle for less again, at least not without an eventual awareness of my bargain.

This life man, this is it. The stakes are high and as a mother, the stakes are higher as you navigate lives--more than just you and the challenge is to do so without getting lost.

I start my new full-time job next week, the one I have prayed for, the one my family and friends have prayed for, for me. It was quite the interfaith prayer circle we had going.

I am thrilled to be starting this journey--unprecedented in my life thus far. I have always enjoyed my work as a victim advocate, this position is an extension of that work and already the connections and relationships that I will be building for myself excite me.

I am further defining my identity, an identity I have not had the luxury of defining past my children.--not because of them necessarily but because I lost sight of me.

Here's to eyes wide open...

Homecoming...

The kids and I will be back together in two days!!!

I am so excited--I wrote that I related to the woman's story who relinquished custody of her children and I do. Partly because I could never judge another's matter of the heart and partly because I know very little of her experience, but for me, I have done a really good job establishing boundaries between my children and I, of maintaining my identity and giving myself freedom to mother my way. Therefore, I am SO happy to have them with me again.

It's been almost six weeks--mama is healed, mama is centered and mama did precisely what she set out to do.

The homecoming is going to beautiful and we have a whole new home to fill with memories.

Earlier...

...I read a story written by a mother who decided to leave her children with her ex-husband and forge a life for herself, on her own, separate of and from them.

This is not a choice one makes lightly and I have to say--I related to her experience. She felt very tied to them, existing through them, unclear of who she was, defined by her role as a mother.

I do not judge her--I've had my own 6 weeks. Ultimately, I'll have my children back but we're different women in different places. I have worked very hard to understand who I am, along the way, to maintain my 'self', asserting my boundaries early on--one of my daughter's first phrases was "mommy time". My son was a harder sell.

I have to admit here, had I not had the time and space to adjust to my recent life change, I don't know what the present would look like. I was in a bad place and damn' it--as mothers, we just don't get to be in those places, not without acrimonious judgement. We hear bullshit like, buck up for the kids or when you have children you don't get to...(fill in the blank with your own value judgement here) or we tell ourselves the same lies.

It's not realistic--we are multidimensional. I can't lay flat if I'm a cube and hell if I want to try. I refuse to be flat.

I would like to think that I would have the fortitude to ask for breathing room, to ask for space, to assert myself, to ask for EXACTLY what I needed, even if what I needed was a break from the life I was living, or, rather, the life I was experiencing.

The stakes are too high, all the way around. For them, for us.

Perhaps if motherhood wasn't such an all or nothing enterprise, perhaps if societal support existed for mothers, perhaps if we expected more out of fathers, then, perhaps, mothers wouldn't have to choose.

You back me into a corner and I choose me, first. I can't rescue my children if I'm drowning, I can't position their oxygen mask if I can't breathe and I can't hold them up if there's no ground under my feet.

My mothering is experiencing a glorious shift...

You can read her story here:
http://www.literarymama.com/columns/motherhoodfromafar/archives/2008/10/countdown.html

Unfortunately

[I just found this piece of writing--the subject matter is a bit old but worthy of including as it delves into this shadow self I have confronted over the last few weeks]

If she weren't so god damn perfect, I wouldn't blink. If she weren't everything I want in a person, a partner, a friend, it would be so easy to move myself forward from here.

Unfortunately, her honesty is raw.

Unfortunately, she's beautiful and funny and speaks from her heart and has this gorgeous crazy hair that I love to sweep away from her face when I kiss her.

Her body is adorned by art chosen along her path, each meaning something to her at the time--beautiful representations of a woman unfolding.

Unfortunately, her eyes reflect her heart when she's vulnerable and I hang on those words.

Unfortunately, she's intoxicating and strong and fierce and independent and ambitious and hungry and her own.

Unfortunately, she came too soon or perhaps too late because it remains to be seen if time will foster more of a story for she and I or if the end is here.

Unfortunately, this was no accident--we were destined to meet, to connect with each other.

I knew I was being pulled in a dangerous direction, I knew my life was going to shift but I don't regret the progression toward her, even if it only meant a move from something else.

I want to connect to someone, I want to feel drawn, I want to love again because I want to be loved again, I want to live a life authored by me--so I jumped without looking, without thinking twice and without bracing for the fall.

And I fell...

Unfortunately, she is inspired by life, sharing life experiences with enthusiasm, listening with curiosity and interest.

Unfortunately, that inspiration has her so hungry, so in awe of the orchestration that it leaves her vulnerable when her time stretches too thin.

Unfortunately, she can't just live in the moment she's in...because there is no us in the next.

Grace by Saving Jane

There seems to be a religious bent to this song--perhaps it's a spiritual one, nevertheless, the words resonate with me...

"As I stumble to the light of grace...
I'm weary, I'm broken, I've cracked my heart wide open...
I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be lost again."

Though I know it's too much to ask, I don't want to be lost again but I'm much too actualized; aware of my self, my situation, my potential, to never be lost again--ideally, the 'finding' comes with a bit less pain, a little less ground-shaking and tad more balance.

Hmmm...

Reflections...

A month has passed since my parents took the kiddos--we've stayed in touch w/emails and phone calls. I've moved in and out of missing them, sometimes only a bit, sometimes so much it shook me.

Overall, I'm relieved and blessed to have had this time--I focused on me. I got to know me a bit more than I think I did before. After all, so much has changed, I'm no longer some one's other half, significant other, partner--just Tina, just me.

Me first from now on. I am a mother, yes. I teach yoga, yes. I am a thesis candidate, yes. A friend, yes. An advocate, yes. But first, foremost and evermore, I am me--independent of the boxes others would like to put me in, impossible to define and limitless. Me.

This has been rough--'this' might have turned into a 6-month transition had I not been able to saturate myself in the nuance of my experience, all alone. In the last month I have separated myself from her, come frighteningly close to falling in love so that the subsequent pulling apart caused a small heartbreak, probably made more dramatic against the backdrop of my situation. I have immersed myself in yoga and really come to appreciate my practice as a centering force in my life, something I turn to, something I rely on. I have come to my knees. I have risen and fallen again. I have drank too much, smiled too little. I have considered giving up and allowing this life to pass through my fingers. I have been overwhelmed by empowerment, in awe of me and the force of me. I have doubted, for a split second or two, the decision I made that brought me here. I have fallen apart and come back together again, stronger than ever it seems--level, centered...god I hate to jinx myself. Level and centered, for now.

It is a monumental practice to stay in the moment--to see only that which is before you, to concern yourself ONLY with that which is there right now. So here I am--in this moment and all is well. The next isn't looking so bad--we'll see where they culminate and how I fare during the journey.

Simple Pleasures

I decided to go to the beach today by myself--the kids are still away and I've yet to arrange time for me. Sure, I've had a cup of coffee here or a lunch there but usually I'm just stopping in, taking a break from a busy day of job hunting or dropping off applications or meeting with my thesis advisor--whatever.

Today, was a date with me.

I lotioned up before I left the house to avoid the gritty experience of lotioning on the beach, trimmed the hedge if you know what I'm sayin', put a bandanna on my head so I wouldn't have to worry about burning my dome--because I wanted to walk and walk and walk and not be dissuaded by my fear of too much sun.

So I walked--I smiled from the inside out, I reflected as the waves crashed creating a rhythm I could breath to, unfold to. It was beautiful--it was serene.

As I was walking I noticed something that drew me to it, veering off my path a bit. It was a conch shell the size of the palm of my hand--I couldn't believe it. There it was, in perfect form except for a minor chip, a mere scar from it's journey across the ocean floor to me.

This shell became my omen--just when you least expect it, there it is. Whatever 'it' is--just when you least expect it, there it is. I took her as a sign and held her close to me like an anchor--my eyes filled with tears. Everything moves me as of late, everything speaks to me--either I'm open to some sort of cosmic language or I'm one foot in the door of the crazy hotel. Either way, senses heightened for sure.

I walked for two hours--I never have this sort of time. It reminds me of when I first moved to Florida, god, 16 years ago. I LIVED at the beach--it was my oasis as I struggled with a whole other stock of grievances.

It was nice--god it was more than nice. I am on this path of discovering that I am whole after all, that I am enough, that I am an individual outside of my children and that's okay. I thought I had already discovered that because I didn't believe a lot of my identity rested in my role as mother but I think it did, more than I knew.

I will not fill this space apologizing for or minimizing what I just said--it will stand on its own, judgements and judgers be damned.

Later, I had dinner with myself at my favorite Thai spot--Tom Ka Gai soup with fried tofu and peanut dipping sauce. As far as I could see, my table of one was the best spot in the place.

It was enough, I was enough.

Rock Bottom

Sometimes--I have to hit it. I fall and sink and collapse and crumble but until I land at my lowest, the nadir of my experience, I have no way back again.

So I did--thank god. The relief is palpable.

I was beginning to wonder it there was a bottom in this case--I've had two episodes that scared the shit out of me when seen from my outside. Especially the most recent. I didn't recognize myself, I didn't recognize the words coming out of my mouth but that didn't stop them from coming.

I though I might have to be hospitalized in order to be stabilized--I almost wanted it. I wanted to surrender in the most profound way. No. I wanted to give up. I was tired. I was weak. I was despondent.

Certainly, the alcohol didn't help but it didn't create this personal reckoning of mine out of thin air--what it did was tap into the fear, the confusion, the despondency that I have lived within for the last two months. I turned inside out on my bed and the pain poured out of me.