I had to know...

"I had to know I could leave, to know that I could stay."

This line is from a book I read recently--once read, this line reconciled the confusion I felt over my situation and where I found myself once the 'leaving' was over.

Now I can stay because I choose to stay...not because I have to or know no other way.

My life is in my hands.

A fairy among us...

My life is no busier than anyone elses this time of year so I will not bore you with a 'this is how busy I've been' backdrop.

After a 5:30 AM personal yoga practice, teaching my 8 AM yoga class and a long day at work, my little family joined my brother's little family at his house last night for food, presents and fun.
It was wonderful. I had brought chocolate for melting and the cousins dipped and decorated pretzels and candy canes and lollipops, played Wii and we all enjoyed each other's company.

By 9:00, when we said goodbye for our drive home, I was exhausted. Physically spent and mentally drained--I had nothing left and the highway in front of me seemed foreign and much longer than EVER before.

That's when he said it, my little man.

"The tooth fairy's coming tonight!"

My heart sank.

A little bit of backdrop is necessary here.

Little man has had a very persistent baby tooth clinging to it's place in the ole' gums, above that a partial tooth and above that, the permanent tooth with no chance of descent because of it's position and the obvious barriers. So, step by step, our dentist is creating a path--yesterday, my little man took a very powerful sleeping pill and endured 5 shots to have this baby tooth pulled. He was so brave and came out smiling, one tooth short.

It's no wonder that, after this ordeal, he was excited for the treaure the tooth fairy would bestow.

In all my sensitivity, clearly dulled from exhaustion, I suggested we arrange for the tooth fairy and santa on the same night (I knew I could NOT out last him and be able to perform my fairy duties) and because my children work SO hard to be understanding and patient with me and all of my imperfections, he stiffened that little chin, puffed up his chest, giggled a bit and said that would be fine.

By 10:30 PM, after our storytime, I was out--no thoughts stirring my mind up last night. I was O*U*T.

This morning, my daughter, with her sweet little sleepy face, told me that she filled my fairy shoes--she had taken the $5 she received in her stocking the night before and left it on his nightstand. "I hope you don't mind" she said, "He just seemed so sad".

I was so moved--to my core, moved. So honored to have this child in my orbit, in my life.

There's more.

We went in to wake sleepyhead and as he came to give me a hug, I noticed that his face was sparkling with 'fairy dust'--she hadn't skimped on the duties of a good fairy. She had taken her role very seriously.

When I tell him that his face is very glitter-y, the tooth fairy must have come, he lights up with his thrilled, snaggle smile and begins his search.

There it is on the nightstand--$5 folded around a precious stone. Another beat not missed.

It's as if I passed the fairy torch last night--all that I have given reflected back to me and the importance it holds in their hearts, their traditions and their memories.

My cup runneth over.

Fragments

I feel so overwhelmed and fragmented this morning--no morning walk for me and no morning yoga practice in lieu of a lousy hour more of sleep and making it to the office by 8:30 in order to leave early.

Breathe.

I'm trying.

But I am hitting myself with every possible blow and it's chipping away at my peace.

Holidaze.

Family coming to town.

Still needing to collect things from the old house--photo albums, pictures, outdoor furniture, plants, boxes. All the little bits that transform space into a home...

My children--who I feel are getting the ragged remains of mom at the end of her day, the fragments that weren't consumed prior to my seeing them.

Augh.

Curiosity

I feel as if I am a curiosity, a curious little thing and it suits me just fine but I wonder if people know what to do with me.

One person in particular handled me far too much for far too long, dulling my luster with their prints and the breath of being too close.

If it's all the same with you, admire me from afar next time and don't pull me from my shelf unless you're damn well certain you can handle what you find in the depths.

Trying love again...

I can't really explain what happened in the last 4 months--at least, I'm not there yet. I have ideas and stories I tell myself, stories we tell each other but the truth is elusive, there just below the surface, waiting for capture.

Nevertheless, we are baby-stepping toward each other again--more honest about where we are, more open about what we want, more willing to listen to the other, more interested in each other, more committed to our time, more involved in the space we occupy.

This makes me happy--this also makes me trepid.

There were real reasons we divided our home, our things, our lives and I want to make sure that we can overcome those obstacles, that we can call them forth, acknowledge them and decide what we do with them.

Are we stronger than what originally pulled us apart? Is our love deep enough? Are there ties that bind us and what are they made of?

Here's to trying love again--a love that never died, a love that changed formed, that bowed under the pressure of elements coincidentally coinciding--a love worth a second look.

The Lesson in Being Rear-Ended Again

It is just a car--a thing.

Certainly, yes?

Let me start from the beginning. I pulled into the parking lot at work totally blissed out. I had practiced yoga, breath work and meditation and had my morning hour-long walk--nothing could penetrate my zen.

Isn't that when it happens? Just when you think you cannot be moved...

I was sitting at my desk when I watched it happen--the freakishly large delivery truck, 4 tires short of being a semi, backed into my little-bitty car. There was not a damn thing I could do and there was a millisecond when I determined exactly how I would respond--anger or calm. This was my choice.

I had my 'FuCk!' moment but as I walked out to the parking lot to face the driver and assess the damage, I had my reckoning in the hall where I called on that part of me that had surfaced during my time on the mat, the part of me larger than a dented bumper, the part of me more compassionate than a blind rage, the part of me who saw past things to people, the part of me in control of how I respond to the moments of my life.

And just like that...I entered my life as an active participant, as the participant.

Now there was no skipping or tossing of flower petals but there was peace in me that translated into peace between us as we exchanged information and proceeded through the steps of reporting the incident.

The report was made, I called the insurance company to request an estimate and arranged for a body shop referral. Very little time lost, insignificant really, for what I learned.

I learned that I can control my reactions to this world and the moments I move through, I learned that I choose and I like how it left me feeling.

Gratitude

On this night, especially this night, I am prompted and moved to express my gratitude for my life and it's gifts.

My children--their smiles, energies, love and acceptance have changed my life and continue to nurture me on a daily basis. Because of them I am deeper, I am more plugged into life, I am more aware, I am bigger and better in spirit. They touch me so deeply.

My job--my mother recently lost her job and even while working, she was never happy to go to work. If I have to leave my children Monday-Friday, let it be because I have a career in a field that I love; in a field that moves me and excites me and inspires me--let it be this job I leave for every morning.

My morning walks and yoga practice--I have committed to walking 5 mornings a week and practicing yoga 7 mornings a week. This practice and commitment on my part has sustained me and continues to deepen my connection to myself, my purpose, my wants, desires, my path, my service, my potential and wonderful side effects have been my health and energy level and state of mind.

Morning coffee--I freakin' love that first cup.

Good music--feeds my soul and I have started a moving collection as of late.

Me--I am thankful for me. I am quite a woman and I admire me and I have made a life of standing in the center of a storm, strong and fierce and daring. I am grateful for my essence and my practice of yoga that taps into that essence on a daily basis.

Sex and the City--the reruns are on as I sit here still waiting to be tired so that I can manage at least 5 hours of sleep. I love those gals.

Can't sleep...

When I came home from work this evening, the kids were with their other mom. I had my apartment all to myself.

I ate a small bite and began to doze on the sofa. Excited by the possibility of an insane amount of sleep, I washed my face and brushed my teeth and snuggled under the covers.

In no time at all, the thoughts began to flood my mind--things left undone, things left to do, inadequacies in my mothering, my homeschooling, a laundry list of things I still need from the house in order to be 'completely' moved out and moved in--a general panic had ensued.

This is not unusual for me--something about closing my eyes sometimes, it's all I need to flip the switch and tear myself apart.

So I surrendered and got out of bed to write. I have missed the small windows of reflection throughout my day that I used to enjoy. True--everyday I'm finding that I can do more and more than I ever imagined while working full-time, so I feel certain that I will find time for this, my creative soul, but until then I keep everything inside in pieces and it surfaces when I close my eyes on a night that I stood to sleep longer than five hours.