Musings of my day

Today was a good day--ups and downs. Accomplished much of what I set out to accomplish, except for doing yoga. I really need my time for yoga--it centers me and is plain good for me. I just like how I feel when I'm done.

Was able to spend my morning alone--Jen took the kids to piano for me and I was able to have coffee, write and just 'be' without interruptions. I was also able to write the first issue of my zine--"Mother's Voice"--who knows where that will go. I'm excited!

Daughter is really going through some things right now--she loses her cool and calls her brother names or irritates him relentlessly, usually until he melts down. I don't understand--she's typically gentle and loving. I feel disappointed in her. I don't like feeling that way and really need to consider how to proceed from here. I could handle this all wrong or I could handle this all right--in order to distinguish between the two, I must be careful. Man, this is hard stuff.

While grocery shopping this evening I ran into a professor of mine--it was awkward. I'm no good when I run into people when I'm out and about--during that time I'm usually in my head because it is a rare opportunity for me, ergo, I'm not prepared to speak to familiars.

Anyway, this professor and me--it's usually awkward and I'm not sure why. Seems to be awkward on both ends as well. I'm cool with people--great with a crowd, but one-on-one, I'm very nervous and most often I speak without thinking. She does intimidate me a bit, if I'm being honest here and I should be.

She's very educated, savvy and confident. I admire her--I do. She is certainly my mentor (she is my thesis advisor). But I do not want to fade in her presence. I want to 'be'--I want to thrive as I always do but instead, I wilt.

Came home and made dinner. Ate very healthy today--damn! Forgot fruit. Anyway, cheese toast on sprouted grain bread with yogurt for breakfast. Peanut butter with honey, coconut flakes and banana on cracked wheat bread with carrots and cucumber slices in ranch for lunch. Dinner was corn soup with wild rice. I was proud until I realized that I forgot my fruit. Nutrition can be so complicated.

Was uninspired to interact with my children--why? Why didn't I just pull out a craft or game--no good answer. That bothers me because I want that time and I want to want that time.

We did read together before bed. Read "Gathering Blue" by Lois Lowry--we only had four chapters to complete the book and we ended up reading them all tonight as we were so engrossed in the story.

I love my midgets--I think I'll go prepare a craft to do with them tomorrow...

'Night

Let's build a fort!!

So staying with the same theme of having fun and enjoying life--let's build a fort!

I have the little bits in there right now scheming, planning and constructing a den-size fort! I gave them rope, sheets, chip clips (for clipping the sheets to the rope) and the 'what to' and 'what not to' schpill.

I helped them design their "frame" from rope. Then I left it to them and their imaginations--it's cool, they are in there working together to make it happen so they have shelter by nightfall.

Another one in the bag for this mama. I done good! It's these moments I crave, for them and for myself.

I played today!!!

Shameful, I know--but I do not remember the last time I played! Well, at least until today--I played today with my little bits at the park down from our house.

It happened like this: We rode our bikes to my daughter's belly dancing class and when we were leaving, I asked if they would like to go for a bike ride--I wasn't quite ready to go home. They were up for it and we headed toward the park we have recently found in our neighborhood--they wanted to play in the water.

When we came upon the park, I had planned on letting them run through a few times and heading home. I still had dinner to make and no prospect in mind. We parked our bikes and as I watched them in the water, I thought to myself that they need to see a carefree side of me--they need to know that I can be silly and free. So I ran up behind my daughter and held her under the spraying fountain--soaking myself at the same time. Then my son and it was on. They kept coming after me, me after them--it was bliss.

We were soaked and happy and laughing--it was cool. On the way home, they kept talking about what we had done, how cool it was that I got wet with them--this simple act had made their night and mine as well.

I don't get to feel good about my mothering as much as I would like and today I was able to feel good about it, to pat my self on the back, to sleep easy when night fell.

I love them so much, I SO want for more days like this one. Days where we play, have fun, act silly--days where we are free, in spirit, in tongue, in body.

It was a good day.
I was a good mom.
They were thrilled.
Who cares that we didn't eat dinner until 10:30 at night...

Feelings today...

I was driving to the grocery store and I was faced with all that I dislike about my town--I try to pull myself out of this rut. I try to think positively and look to the good. That's too fuckin' hard, especially when you're feeling somber as I was today .

I want more community, I want more support--intimacy between mothers in the area, like-minded mothers. I want my children to learn through their world and not as a subject to it or of it. I want to be more self-sufficient--have a garden, make my own bread, make my own clothes (okay, so that's not going to happen).

There is so much I am happy for. I love my children, they bring me real joy. I love my blog--it's where I pour my deepest thoughts and reflections. I love my partner but should show it more. I love our home, even if the town it's parked in leaves much to be desired. I love our pets.

I have a lot to look forward to as well and I try to let that bring me solace. I am going to be taking a yoga teacher certification soon (August) and that will be cool--just another way I can make money and avoid contributing to the system that I abhor. My own gig, my own terms and it will bring peace to those who seek it--that's good times.

Feeling tired and uninspired to write--going to bed now. Plan on rising early to go for a walk--sometimes that awakens something in me...something I need.

Turning turds to treats...

Yup, you read it right. Today was I faced with the task of turning turds to treats. I had been planning a downtown excursion with my little bits for a while and decided that this Saturday (today) was the day. Free parking on Saturdays and our mission was to explore the shops and cafes that our little downtown has to offer and any other treasures that lay unseen. Furthermore, the trolley in our little city is FREE and the bits have been stoked about riding it since the first time they saw it scooting around the city--my smallest bit likened it to the trolley on Mr. Rogers and, well, that's just good times to be had.
Anywho-- I get up early, pack a little backpack cooler of snacks and wake the bits--they're jumping with glee, bedheads and all. Once we get downtown, there might as well be tumbleweed rolling across the streets. Like, I'm waiting for a gunslinger to waltz out of an alley and question my presence in "this here town". Could our city be more pathetic? They've been talking "downtown this and downtown that" in our little city--asking what they could do to draw people to downtown. Here's a thought and it's just from little ole' me but--HOW ABOUT BUSINESS HOURS ON THE FREAKIN' WEEKEND!!!!!!!!!!!! Here we are in the barren core--my little bits, me and large numbers of the area's unhoused.
We found a trolley sign that read "runs every 30 minutes"--we waited close to an hour before moving on to find another sign--perhaps this sign was sending bad vibes. Some kind of mad, voodoo force-field that repelled the trolley--whatever. After we had walked a few blocks away from the trolley repellent, we see a trolley in the distance--we could never catch it but I have simultaneously spotted a sign in the opposite direction. If we can make it, we can anchor there until the trolley makes it's way around the next few blocks, as it seems to be heading in our direction. We're running, we're laughing, it's great.
We make it--the trolley doors open before us and it's like the pearly gates of public transportation. Whahoo! It's cute on the inside, very antique-chic, but this particular trolley, the weekend variety, only skirts AROUND downtown. We're missing the innards--the core, and we're seeing all that is yet to be "gentrified--the building remnants, the closed businesses, junkyards, etc. Okay, I think--good times, there's more to be had. We've ridden the trolley for about half an hour and my bits are pleased. Let's get off and trek deeper in search of a cute sidewalk cafe or something city-fied.
Yeah. Anyway...'k.
I'm pissed and sour at this point--want to just go home and frump. Kicking my own ass for several blocks for recently buying a house in this pathetic, po-dunk city preventing me from moving to a real city, I'm ready to go and the bits couldn't agree more.
On our way back to the car, parked five or so blocks away, we see that our downtown library has recently opened it's cafe. That'll do but my mood's too far gone at this point and I soon find that the coffee sucks, whatever. I'm geared into breakin' bad on my pseudocity when I see several posters in the hall of the library advertising an amazing holocaust survivor's exhibit. Don't cheese grin yet little mama, the exhibit LEFT THE LIBRARY TWO FREAKIN' MONTHS AGO!!!!!!!!!!! Really people, gather your shit together please and let's just appear to be civilized.
On the way home, I ask the bits if they would like to go for a bike ride with me when we get home. We live in a new neighborhood and we've yet to fully explore what it has to offer. It's a great little bohemian slice of the greater armpit and perhaps the only thing keeping me sane here--besides the bits
We get our bikes and coast away with new hopes and altered attitudes. We stop in a little thrift shop--cute. Make a note to come back. Then I tell the bits we need to search for a playground--something close enough to bike to. We turn up and down a few blocks, not far, and bless me buddha, not only have we found a cute little plastic and steel playground oasis, it's got baseball fields, picnic tables and, oh yeah mama, several water spouts shooting water into the air and raining down in blessed, summertime perfection--nothing like water-drenched babes on hot summer days.
We got wet--it was bliss, absolute bliss. And I felt saved under the spray of the water only a bike ride away. Like I had made something of this day for the bits, for me--for us.
We biked home satisfied, content--with our memories, our cheese smiles, our wet pants and, yes, I almost forgot, harboring treats instead of turds.

Thank you for the little things...

This morning my son and I were out checking on our garden--snipping dead blooms, watering and pulling little green sprouts that grow as a result of birdseed falling from the feeder above our heads. We were kneeling in the grass around our little tree each pulling these little growths from potted flowers and the earth. He asked what they were and I explained how they came to grow in this location--he thought they were cute and yes, I suppose they were. He would also take notice and pleasure when we would pull, not only the shoot, but the root as well. I confess that this gave me some level of satisfaction myself but I had never thought to say it out loud.

Then he said, "look the seed" and I was thinking to myself, yes there are a lot of seeds, this is where they fall but I stopped to look and I'm glad I did. He was holding the little green shoot in his hand and had shaken the soil from the root--sure enough, the seed was still there. It was opened, only a shell of it's former self as my son held it's fruit, it's culmination in his little hand. I kissed him and told him how very much I loved how he took the time to see the world in this way--how he took time to notice and how very much I loved him for that.

This 10-15 minutes with my son were spiritual and I feel as if I grew a little inside just for being with him in that moment...

The guilty pleasure of satisfaction

I have those days when I feel as if I put a check in every box--they are rare but they are rewarding. Today was one of those days.

I was relatively calm with my children, I was at peace with myself, I drank coffee during the flow of life, made a crock-pot soup, took pictures of still-life--something I do not ever do yet it was extremely satisfying and pleasurable--better still, I even downloaded those pics right away. I know, I know, terribly mundane but that's huge satisfaction for me--pics usually sit in my camera until my memory card is full and I'm put into a position of ranking--delete this one, keep this one--until I finally sit my ass down and do the deed (the downloading pics deed, of course).

I felt such tremendous satisfaction that I began to contemplate the circumstances of satisfaction and how relative that achievement is--it varies across the board. Some reading this (yeah, right--this will ever find itself out of the recesses of cyberspace) will yawn and probably forego the nail-biting conclusion to check the balance on their library card but others might understand.

When I am in the now, in the moment, I can find pleasure with a leaf floating to the ground, a clean sink, a cup of coffee or a meal concocted from fridge scraps--and this is where I want to be, this is where I want to live. Because the truth of it is, it brings me peace, calms my pace and I talk nicer to my children.

I like talking nicer to my children--I want to be able to look them in their eyes and deserve the trust placed in me when they were born.

Today was a good day

I have much to be thankful for. Today was a good day--my daughter spent the night away from home last night and I spent time with my little man, it was nice. As the baby, I do not always feel he got the same chances at alone time.

Picked my daughter up and I am thankful that she's always excited to see me--I love the smile she gets.

I am thankful for our home that is starting to look like our home and not a home that we bought from someone else--the space is slowly becoming ours.

I am thankful for birds and squirrels and the fact that they are so drawn to our front yard--we become mesmerized by them.

I am thankful for my children, my partner, my home--it's late and I am thankful that I have a bed to sleep in.

Good night.