A settling

Wow--the last few months have been crazy for sure. SO much change and so much upheaval, uncertainty, conflicting emotions--I have experienced the range, I have plummeted to my knees and I have risen beyond my physical self.

Now that the kiddos are home I have had to reevaluate my role in their lives--there has been an adjustment period. I cannot be consumed by my role for them any longer, just as I cannot be consumed by my role as partner to another person. I don't really know what happened on August 6th when I staked my claim on my own future and ended my relationship of 7 years, I have some ideas, but for the most part, I think I had begun to buckle under the weight of so much need from those around me. I had lost me and reached for any anchor I could draw to myself for stability and respite.

While the kids were away with my family, I drew into myself and came face-to-face with my essence. The ride has been life-changing. Not only that, I allowed my yoga practice to unfold and go deeper, to become a real part of my life, to become what I turn to and where I shape the path of my life. I met me. Not me the mother, not me the partner, not me the anything other than me, the essence.

I have always been afforded these wonderful periods of realization where I am able to find out what I'm made of--this was one of those and I still believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am unbreakable.

I followed my path all the way through the darkness, to where some might not dare to go lest they be lost forever but I went and I dared the space and I surfaced changed.

I don't know what this will look like in 2 weeks, 2 months or even tomorrow but I know, I know with the certainty that I know the sun will rise, I know I will make it and they will make it and I will never settle for less again, at least not without an eventual awareness of my bargain.

This life man, this is it. The stakes are high and as a mother, the stakes are higher as you navigate lives--more than just you and the challenge is to do so without getting lost.

I start my new full-time job next week, the one I have prayed for, the one my family and friends have prayed for, for me. It was quite the interfaith prayer circle we had going.

I am thrilled to be starting this journey--unprecedented in my life thus far. I have always enjoyed my work as a victim advocate, this position is an extension of that work and already the connections and relationships that I will be building for myself excite me.

I am further defining my identity, an identity I have not had the luxury of defining past my children.--not because of them necessarily but because I lost sight of me.

Here's to eyes wide open...

Homecoming...

The kids and I will be back together in two days!!!

I am so excited--I wrote that I related to the woman's story who relinquished custody of her children and I do. Partly because I could never judge another's matter of the heart and partly because I know very little of her experience, but for me, I have done a really good job establishing boundaries between my children and I, of maintaining my identity and giving myself freedom to mother my way. Therefore, I am SO happy to have them with me again.

It's been almost six weeks--mama is healed, mama is centered and mama did precisely what she set out to do.

The homecoming is going to beautiful and we have a whole new home to fill with memories.

Earlier...

...I read a story written by a mother who decided to leave her children with her ex-husband and forge a life for herself, on her own, separate of and from them.

This is not a choice one makes lightly and I have to say--I related to her experience. She felt very tied to them, existing through them, unclear of who she was, defined by her role as a mother.

I do not judge her--I've had my own 6 weeks. Ultimately, I'll have my children back but we're different women in different places. I have worked very hard to understand who I am, along the way, to maintain my 'self', asserting my boundaries early on--one of my daughter's first phrases was "mommy time". My son was a harder sell.

I have to admit here, had I not had the time and space to adjust to my recent life change, I don't know what the present would look like. I was in a bad place and damn' it--as mothers, we just don't get to be in those places, not without acrimonious judgement. We hear bullshit like, buck up for the kids or when you have children you don't get to...(fill in the blank with your own value judgement here) or we tell ourselves the same lies.

It's not realistic--we are multidimensional. I can't lay flat if I'm a cube and hell if I want to try. I refuse to be flat.

I would like to think that I would have the fortitude to ask for breathing room, to ask for space, to assert myself, to ask for EXACTLY what I needed, even if what I needed was a break from the life I was living, or, rather, the life I was experiencing.

The stakes are too high, all the way around. For them, for us.

Perhaps if motherhood wasn't such an all or nothing enterprise, perhaps if societal support existed for mothers, perhaps if we expected more out of fathers, then, perhaps, mothers wouldn't have to choose.

You back me into a corner and I choose me, first. I can't rescue my children if I'm drowning, I can't position their oxygen mask if I can't breathe and I can't hold them up if there's no ground under my feet.

My mothering is experiencing a glorious shift...

You can read her story here:
http://www.literarymama.com/columns/motherhoodfromafar/archives/2008/10/countdown.html

Unfortunately

[I just found this piece of writing--the subject matter is a bit old but worthy of including as it delves into this shadow self I have confronted over the last few weeks]

If she weren't so god damn perfect, I wouldn't blink. If she weren't everything I want in a person, a partner, a friend, it would be so easy to move myself forward from here.

Unfortunately, her honesty is raw.

Unfortunately, she's beautiful and funny and speaks from her heart and has this gorgeous crazy hair that I love to sweep away from her face when I kiss her.

Her body is adorned by art chosen along her path, each meaning something to her at the time--beautiful representations of a woman unfolding.

Unfortunately, her eyes reflect her heart when she's vulnerable and I hang on those words.

Unfortunately, she's intoxicating and strong and fierce and independent and ambitious and hungry and her own.

Unfortunately, she came too soon or perhaps too late because it remains to be seen if time will foster more of a story for she and I or if the end is here.

Unfortunately, this was no accident--we were destined to meet, to connect with each other.

I knew I was being pulled in a dangerous direction, I knew my life was going to shift but I don't regret the progression toward her, even if it only meant a move from something else.

I want to connect to someone, I want to feel drawn, I want to love again because I want to be loved again, I want to live a life authored by me--so I jumped without looking, without thinking twice and without bracing for the fall.

And I fell...

Unfortunately, she is inspired by life, sharing life experiences with enthusiasm, listening with curiosity and interest.

Unfortunately, that inspiration has her so hungry, so in awe of the orchestration that it leaves her vulnerable when her time stretches too thin.

Unfortunately, she can't just live in the moment she's in...because there is no us in the next.

Grace by Saving Jane

There seems to be a religious bent to this song--perhaps it's a spiritual one, nevertheless, the words resonate with me...

"As I stumble to the light of grace...
I'm weary, I'm broken, I've cracked my heart wide open...
I don't wanna be, I don't wanna be lost again."

Though I know it's too much to ask, I don't want to be lost again but I'm much too actualized; aware of my self, my situation, my potential, to never be lost again--ideally, the 'finding' comes with a bit less pain, a little less ground-shaking and tad more balance.

Hmmm...

Reflections...

A month has passed since my parents took the kiddos--we've stayed in touch w/emails and phone calls. I've moved in and out of missing them, sometimes only a bit, sometimes so much it shook me.

Overall, I'm relieved and blessed to have had this time--I focused on me. I got to know me a bit more than I think I did before. After all, so much has changed, I'm no longer some one's other half, significant other, partner--just Tina, just me.

Me first from now on. I am a mother, yes. I teach yoga, yes. I am a thesis candidate, yes. A friend, yes. An advocate, yes. But first, foremost and evermore, I am me--independent of the boxes others would like to put me in, impossible to define and limitless. Me.

This has been rough--'this' might have turned into a 6-month transition had I not been able to saturate myself in the nuance of my experience, all alone. In the last month I have separated myself from her, come frighteningly close to falling in love so that the subsequent pulling apart caused a small heartbreak, probably made more dramatic against the backdrop of my situation. I have immersed myself in yoga and really come to appreciate my practice as a centering force in my life, something I turn to, something I rely on. I have come to my knees. I have risen and fallen again. I have drank too much, smiled too little. I have considered giving up and allowing this life to pass through my fingers. I have been overwhelmed by empowerment, in awe of me and the force of me. I have doubted, for a split second or two, the decision I made that brought me here. I have fallen apart and come back together again, stronger than ever it seems--level, centered...god I hate to jinx myself. Level and centered, for now.

It is a monumental practice to stay in the moment--to see only that which is before you, to concern yourself ONLY with that which is there right now. So here I am--in this moment and all is well. The next isn't looking so bad--we'll see where they culminate and how I fare during the journey.