I'm afraid to be alone?

I think so.

When I think of living alone...fuck yeah, I'm terrified.

So perhaps because it is so terrifying, I need to face it, embrace it, experience it.

I don't usually run or fade from that which scares me--I like the challenge it presents to stay in place and ride the wave, even if it means losing ground, falling back, starting again.

Who am I in this realm?

What am I made of?

Where am I going?

What do I want and what does it look like?

Why am I most scared?

When will it cease to hurt?

I don't fucking know.

Were humans really meant to experience every possible human emotion in the broad range of emotions at one time in their lives?

I don't think so but here I am--fumbling forward through the experience.

I'm running so fucking fast in my mind, thinking past, thinking aside--anywhere to avoid thinking here, in this moment that is so suffocating and intense.

Step Six: Abandon the "step" system

I quit. The steps are beginning to run together and, really? Can this seriously be reduced to steps? I'm not overcoming an addiction here, I'm redefining my life.

To that end, I officially abandon the step system in lieu of the more traditional Tina approach--systematically flying by the seat of my pants. I realize, that's akin to saying something like, "ordered chaos" but whatever.

Just another path in my necessary progression and I will find my way but will not necessarily know what each step is ahead of time, probably not until I'm taking the step.

I still say, uh, bring it on--with a little less gumption than I have used in the past.

Step Five: Financial Prep

There are many "joints" between the two of us that must be divided into their separate parts. Additionally, I must consider that my income is going to be very meager--so in that line, I have proceeded accordingly.

Step Five: Financial Prep

1. Called insurance agent and have removed her from my policy effective Sept. 14th. {Agent will follow up with her to establish a new but separate policy}
2. Arranged to defer student loan until February--hopefully, by then, my financial situation will have stabilized.

All is still good--the promise, the hope, the possibility...they keep me stepping up, stepping forward and not looking back for a single second.

The whirling of my mind...

Wow--I'm in and out of various lines of contemplation.

So many lines of thoughts...

I have been at the computer ALL morning arranging our lessons for the day--American Revolution, Women of the Revolution--we must incorporate the sisters, the feminine energy permeating our story, excerpts of Patrick Henry's famous speech calling the nations to arms so that the children can translate his words into their own, hopefully sealing their understanding of just what he was calling on the nation to do.

Sigh. Then there is the subject of my own life...piecing together a yoga teaching schedule that will fit around any new part-time work that I take on.

And then, the general practice of staying in the moment. Right here. Not skipping ahead to next week or lingering in the yesterday or the day before with all of it's sweetness. Some moments or periods of our lives are so very sweet and perfect that it is tempting to rest there...but this sort of resting, this sort of looking back is counterproductive to the forward movement of our lives. It can distract us from the moment--the precise moment we are in.

Such is my challenge today and everyday I suppose but my consciousness is raised to it's importance this day.

And so I rise to meet the expectations I have set for myself as a mindful being moving through time.

The need of me...

Today has been...interesting. I'm in the wake of pretty intense feelings that are still stirring within--beautifully, beautifully intense.

I'm really looking forward to the children visiting their grandparents--my parents are picking them up this weekend and they are staying for an indeterminate period of time. Perhaps two weeks, maybe four.

Sure, I'll be sad and miss them like crazy but I just need some breathing space from the need of me. I need me right now. I need to be inside and intimately around the space of me--as a mom especially, I just don't get that sort of relief.

On some level, deep, deep inside, I feel slightly ashamed for needing it but that's not me--at least I don't think. I recognize it as the larger institutional message of motherhood.

Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice.

But this is my life too and I have an inalienable right to claim that relief for myself and to need me and to want only me, for a period, as I set our new path in motion.

The Road Not Taken

I am confined to the house today by the standing water on our street and I'm good with that now.

I had to find a comfort for it--I started my day a bit stir crazy, wanting to move, needing to move, trying to move. Staying on the go has allowed me to move past any feelings coming up--outrunning them in a way.

But today. Stillness. And it's good.

I took out an older journal with the intention to write longhand for a change and feeling good about putting thoughts to paper on this day suited for nothing else.

Before I started, I looked back over the pages from the past several months and what I found was liberating.

I found entries dealing with my past relationship, the one I am leaving now and I could almost cry at the sense of desperation and hopelessness inherent in my words.

One entry in particular struck me and is the inspiration for this. I was exploring the road not taken and listed several instances where this might be worth writing about--having not pursued a love interest with "her" made the list.

When I think of how much time I have given to this stagnant relationship, I am saddened. I know, I know, all things happen for a reason and I believe this so I allow comfort for that alone.

Yet I can't help thinking, how long would I have festered here? Why now, did I find my voice? What will come?

My only reason for "festering", for staying put was the fear of financially supporting the children on my own. And in the wake of my admission to her, my only vulnerability is still one of economics. My heart is not broken, my stance is not shaky, my mind is clear and my gaze is set beyond this. That's how you know you've stayed too long.

I have to take a slight deviation from this current course of writing to speak to something that has just come up. This is how much she doesn't get me and a testament to how she never has--I'm writing right now and she has come to stand in front of me several times, trying to talk, trying to get my attention--really?

What do you think I'm doing here? As a writer, I must put words down--whether I write, whether I type, the words must make their exit from me and take their form. It is an act of necessity and an act of passion--I am instinctively drawn to my writing. I must tell a story--I know no other way of processing the world I live in, the space I occupy. The act itself is merely a reflex for me.

And, really? You stand before me and play with that--have we met?

Confirmation.

I get these tidbits daily anymore--at times, moment to moment.

The road not taken has just been taken and the traveler anticipates the journey.

Looking into my future...

Talk about scared. There's so much to do before I can move forward with the freedom that I am so craving right now.

I need patience more than ever--I need to relinquish my hold on the end result and allow the path to open to me but that's so freakin' hard.

I see myself on my own, supporting myself and the kids, living simply but living in peace and living authentically. For the first time in my life, living in a way that I choose to live versus living by chance.

Then I can be open to what comes next--I never expected the next to come before the end here...but that's another story for another day. And it's a beautiful story that deserves its own binding...and so she shall have her own.

In one week, the kiddos are going to stay with my parents for almost a month and I'll use that time to prepare the next stage of our lives.

When they return, I would like to be in a part-time job and I would like to have secured an apartment--maybe not moved in yet, I am a realist but at least an idea of where we'll be moving.

I don't plan to spend a lot of time at home while they're gone, well, there's sleeping but I want to be diligent and productive--I want to make things happen.

I have been still for far too long. I have settled for far too long.

It's my time.

My intention...

In yoga practice this evening, we were asked to state an intention for our practice--an intention is a path, where you want to go...

My intention this evening was:

I am patient
I am centered
Life will unfold
No attachments

These words focused my mind and I think they cleared the fog that has been surrounding me--the fog of stress, the fog of change, the fog of the unknown.

However, it is and will forever be all good.

Step Four: Open own account

As I step closer to my own independence, I need these steps to happen so I see progress.

Everything is tied together--the house, the furniture, the kitchenware, the movies, DVDs, CDs and, yes, money.

So with that being said,

Step Four: Open own account

Done.

With a measly amount of money in each, I have a savings and checking all on my own now.

Atta girl.

Out of the house...

So I escaped...and that's what it felt like too. Isn't that terrible?

I felt like the walls were closing in--like if another person said my name or called upon me, I would break into a million tiny pieces, settling among the piling animal hair already on my dirty-ass-because-I-lack-the-will-to-clean-it floor.

I love my children, I do but mommy's going crazy right now.

I'm babysitting this week, keeping me pretty much stuck inside the house--ha. Now that's a laugh, a real freakin' hoot when I consider the volatile state I'm in. Like a soda bottle that has been shaken or dropped and the next person needing me seeks to take the cap off.

Stand back.

At least my humor has returned, however dark.

Once in the car, I felt a sense of relief that has been evading me all day, well, since the last time I was out of the house.

The pressure is on man. There's no reprieve. I must endure this break-up and all the shit attached, while simultaneously mothering, educating, listening to and supporting my children.

In all seriousness, I did just have an idea...

...went away to act upon said idea. Done.

My kiddos are going to stay with the grandparents--I see light.

Light for them, light for me. I'm no fun to be around right now. I'm not good for them right now because I'm hardly good for myself.

This space will allow me to look for a job, sort out my housing situation, breathe, be inside myself if that's where I need to be--stay inside myself if that's where I need to stay.

See I left the house and was able to think. This epiphany might not have happened had I stayed within those walls, those closing in walls.

The grandparents will be here in two weeks to pick them up and then I can turn to me, solely. To me.

Maybe then, the letting go can begin.

Let It Go
by Donna Faulds

Let go of the ways you thought life would unfold;
the holding of plans or dreams or expectations -
Let it all go.
Save your strength to swim with the tide.
The choice to fight what is here before you now
will only result in struggle, fear, and desperate attempts to flee
from the very energy you long for.
Let it go.
Let it all go and flow with the grace
that washes through your days
whether you receive it gently
or with all your quills raised to defend against invaders.
Take this on faith:
The mind may never find
the explanations that it seeks,
but you will move forward nonetheless.
Let go, and the wave's crest
will carry you to unknown shores,
beyond your wildest dreams or destinations.
Let it all go and find the place of rest and peace,
and certain transformation.

Blah.

That is Blah. (period) Like, nothing more to say.

I'm so grumpy today.

I look at my mood from yesterday and then today and think, really Tina? Get your shit together.

Pace.

Pace.

Pace.

Patience.

Argh the human condition.

I need some brain food--I need a vacation from all that I am sitting in right now.

I SO do not need to be on call tonight because I'm sure there's a wine glass I could lose myself in.

Blah.

Words that resonate with me...here

I am a total nerd in the sense that I love words...love, love, love them. I get excited when I find a word, a single word, that expresses a full idea or state of being.

So here I am in this afternoon of space cleaning, singing at the top of my lungs to Air Supply, eating a celery stick but still managing the melody and fantasizing about a room of my own, a space of my own--here I am distilling my experience to a few words.

And now, without further ado, because I know you're hanging, words that speak to where I am.

Authenticity
The state of being genuine.

To me, here, this is what I'm reaching toward. I have spent quite some time in a situation that did not speak to my soul or move me the way I need to be moved. I am who I am and I SO love the person I unfold into throughout my existence when I'm open to receive and when I'm living in alignment with my essence.

I can no longer deny myself my greatest happiness.

Visceral
Instinctive, moving forward under the spell of instinct over intellect.

Heart over mind--I'm throwing caution to the wind in so many respects. Don't get me wrong--the fear is palpable but I move through it and will not cower from any chance of joy, whether joy comes in new love, new starts, new paths, new hopes, newly found needs, newly claimed needs--I am the orchestrator of my life and I'm much too passionate to be ever led by my intellect. This does not mean I am dispelling reason and good sense but I won't hold back. I'm in and I'm open and I'm exposed.

Ephemeral
Passing; lasting a very short time.

This unknown that I am approaching--it is passing. Each moment is, whether viewed as negative or positive or happy or sad. These moments are passing. I will not always be afraid--clarity will enter my life in the form of an opportunity and the fear will pass.

I ride the wave because I know it is just that--a wave. I will rise and I will fall and I will take something from each.

Viveka
The process in yoga by which an individual aims to separate the real from the unreal and to unite the soul with the Reality underlying the universe. Yes. Reality with a capital "R".

Viveka literally means separating out or discernment and the individual, in this case, me, I make it my intention to seek out the realness as presented to me versus distracting myself with the unreal, being the perceptions I have, the preconceptions or fears. Because in Reality, I am handed moments that in themselves are neither good nor bad yet it is my perception that colors the experience, labeling it either good or bad, happy or sad.

"Reality is relentless. It follows behind every denial, every avoidance, until it is embraced with open arms."--Amrit Desai

This is my one-day daughter's name--I hereby name her before her birth, Viveka. May she always abide in reality.

But as I write that, I think, perhaps I've just come into my name. It so speaks to me and symbolizes a personal claiming of my whole self--taking me on for me. Giving birth to me...again.

Namaste'

Step Three: Sleep Alone

I slept alone last night, with the intention of sleeping alone. I will eventually be sleeping alone again, yes? For me, this step signifies greater independence--a pulling apart of what has been joined together over the years. A necessary pulling apart.

Step three: Sleep alone

Done.

Moving on...

Step Two: Tell the Children

Please read the "Starting Over" post to be updated on the happenings of late that have prompted these 'Steps'--it will explain everything.

Probably the most difficult of all steps involved--actually, that should read, definitely.

There is no easy way to tell a child that their entire world is about to change--the parents they have known most of their lives are going to set about parenting in separate places, living separate lives.

That sort of news just doesn't slide over--it's a punch in the chest, a very painful, noticeable shift in awareness and thinking.

Step Two: Tell the Children

1. Done.

Now what?

Well, I remain open and available for them to come to me, talk to me, turn to me, lean on me.

More than that, I explain to them that this was the only possible choice for me to make--that I love this life I've been given and I must proceed in a way that honors that, that honors my lust for life, my craving and hunger for passion, my desire for more, my need for growth, as an individual and with my life partner.

More still? Guard their hearts, proceed with caution and let go as we all move forth into the unknown...and, breathe.

Step One: Narrow Down Expenses

Please read the "Starting Over" post to be updated on the happenings of late that have prompted these 'Steps'--it will explain everything.

It would be so easy to keep living this life that I live--sitting tight in the relationship that has worked for so long, running a smooth house with a balance of responsibilities, nurturing the children and sharing their needs/care, managing the day-to-day business of what comes up together and numbing desires with monotony, curbing passion with complacency.

The fear is enough to keep me still, enough to keep me anchored to a life I can no longer endure. I have started down this road of separation and can't imagine going back.

I've used my voice and I've claimed my right to happiness, claimed my right to authenticity, claimed my place, independent of her, independent of that which does not bring me joy or take me higher.

I want to be elevated--I want to rise.

In the last year, I've tapped into the depths of myself, understanding me and rooting into my possibilities--this cannot, this will not be that which takes me down.

Now I've entered an arena of logistics--fortunately for me, I'm an educated girl and think well on my feet and, well, there is the strength that I have inside and my resolution to keep my head up.

So, I have to start somewhere, right? Might as well begin with what scares me most--finances.

Step One: Narrow Down and Split Expenses
Steps taken toward that end?

1. Cancelled cable (except for basic)--a savings of $66.00 a month.
2. Cancelled Blockbuster subscription--a savings of $25.00 a month.
3. Make a list of her financial responsibility, as well as my own, while we live under the same roof--creating a "roommate" situation.

Now I suppose another job is in order? As much as I love my yoga--it does not pay the bills. Update to follow on this I'm sure.

Starting over...

I hereby declare my independence from the relationship I have been in for 7 years.

It's over and we are taking steps to sever what took 7 years to build.

It is SO all good. No heartbreak for me please, no sadness--I am so completely fine.

I do understand that this whole sh-bang will take some time but I plan to do my part to actively work toward independent lives in a timely and intentional manner.

My heart is already out--it has been for some time. It's no secret here. I've posted on this before and since saying it out loud to her, I've felt relieved and saved.

There is hope beyond this and I am sinking my feet in for the duration--for whatever comes.

I will detail the steps of this break-up here, chronicling where we are and where I plan to be, need to be. This is serious for me, this is BIG.

I am asserting myself in a HUGE way, in spite of fear and in the face of all that is unknown.

I say, bring it on.

A sweet lullaby...

Today my borrowed Zen baby spent the day with us and her energy level has really expanded since we saw her last, before her trip abroad.

She's testing her limits, exploring the edge of boundaries and beyond and asserting herself. With all of this in mind, understand that nap-time was welcomed today.

Following her lunch, I laid down with her on the bed and the tearful protest began immediately as she sat straight up, tossed the teddy I had offered her and screamed with all of the indignation of a two year old.

I gently laid her back beside me and began to sing--nothing was making it above the cry. So I thought...and considered. Maybe she didn't like the song, maybe the English words were frustrating now that she's so proficient with her Italian.

So I began to gently chant a sanskrit mantra and blessing:

lokah samasta sukhino bhavantu (x3)
om shanti, shanti, shanti
(repeat)

And while I gently chanted these blessed words, I placed my hands above us and entered into different mudras, keeping somewhat of a rhythm that she could get lost in...and she did.

When I closed with a final round of "om"--silence and then the sound of a deep inhale as the sleep breathing began throughout her body.

I was centered from the experience--it was blissful to have gently led her to sleep with syllables so full of meaning and vibrancy and history.

And now, she is awake again and the day is new to her--fresh, exciting and ripe with potential as she scampers into the midst of it all.

Women Deserve Better

Yeah. What she says.

Watch the You Tube video featured on this blog page:

http://idyllia.blogspot.com/2008/08/women-deserve-better.html

It is SO worth the 3 minutes or so and might even give you chills because you know that, yes, we do deserve better.

Bring it on...

This really only resonates with me at this moment because I know precisely what's going on in my life.

I just want to remember this feeling.

Tonight, I took the first step toward redefining my path.

There will certainly be others--no doubt.

Bring it on.

Through the Fire

I'm SO not ashamed to admit that I love this song--it played in the background of a cheese movie that was on tonight.

Chaka Khan.

You're welcome.

Lyrics:

I look in your eyes and I can see
We've loved so dangerously
You're not trusting your heart to anyone
You tell me you're gonna play it smart
We're through before we start
But I believe that we've only just begun
When it's this good, there's no saying no
I want you so, I'm ready to go

[Chorus:]
Through the fire
To the limit, to the wall
For a chance to be with you
I'd gladly risk it all
Through the fire
Through whatever, come what may
For a chance at loving you
I'd take it all the way
Right down to the wire
Even through the fire

I know you're afraid of what you feel
You still need time to heal
And I can help if you'll only let me try
You touch me and something in me knew
What I could have with you
Well I'm not ready to kiss that dream goodbye
When it's this sweet, there's no saying no
I need you so, I'm ready to go

[Chorus]

Through the test of time

[Chorus]

Through the fire, to the limit
Through the fire, through whatever
Through the fire, to the limit
Through the fire, through whatever

I'm sure to be humming this song to my family's chagrin for days.

Butter, Trampoline, Toast

Now I've got you wondering, right?

To preface, the kids were begging for Frappuccinos today--so, much like any other day, the little junkies. And I have a system of maybes--a scale, if you will.

There is the right-down-the-middle maybe, the weak-close-to-no maybe and the strong-close-to-yes maybe.

I gave them a weak-close-to-no maybe that I would take them later in the afternoon--they were elated. But, I warned, the more you ask or remind, the closer you get to no, so leave me alone.

While we were having our lunch together this afternoon, little man put his hand up to his face to mouth something to his sister across the table without my seeing.

My daughter says, "Butter, Trampoline, Toast?" and he giggles and says, "close".

Then it hits me what has been said and I'm thinking, what?

So I say, "Butter, Trampoline, Toast? And she's close?"

And they laugh their cute little kid laughs and I'm drawn in--I laugh too.

Then he confesses, "Frappuccinos."

I couldn't knock them down the maybe scale because the whole span of moments had been too priceless to cost them.

Now that was a moment worth being present for.

The morning cup: Procrastination

My morning news show is on in the other room--I'm slightly pulled in but so comfortable in my chair at my kitchen desk, with my cup of coffee that I cannot be moved--more that I will not be moved.

So I write.

Incredibly good sleep last night...possibly because I was so peaceful and fulfilled at the close of my day.

I had time for writing and reading and listening to great music--I was in a yummy state when I turned in to sleep.

This morning I want to explore procrastination by looking at my own life and the ways in which I procrastinate.

It's not that I think procrastination is entirely bad or something to avoid altogether--sometimes procrastination saves us from something but then does it become hesitation...or contemplation...hmmm...how to distinguish? Perhaps by the intention behind the action or inaction--they look different, right? Moot and beside the point.

Ah, but I digress (or procrastinate).

Areas in which I am actively procrastinating:

• Developing pictures
• I'm two years behind
• I have no good excuse because I have a prepaid plan and could order anytime without having to fork out the money--money has been forked.

• Writing a business plan
• Though it is quite possible that the studio I had in mind is spoken for by people with more money than I, there are certainly other studios or even room for me to start fresh.

• Cleaning my house
• The animal hair is killing me but seems too big a problem to take on in a single afternoon (excuse).
• The living room, den and my bedroom need to dusted...desperately.
• Bathroom--gross. Don't even get me started. But technically, that's Jen's job so perhaps this should be noted on her own list.

• Arranging termite treatment
• Really? Like this is an area I need to play with? You'd think I'd have a bit more motivation.

So there it is--I've laid it all out. If I continue to procrastinate in these areas when I have so courageously admitted fault, accepted ownership, and, for Christ's sake, made a list--then I am recklessly negligent.

If I never post again on above items, you can rest assured that I took no active measures and have probably added to that list.

Ooh...the cliffhanger.

Thoughts from the journey...

I'm writing past the guilt tonight, writing through the angst, the call of me as mom--at least, the call of me as mom as I interpret it to be.

I am my biggest critic, my worst enemy, my highest peak and my toughest challenge. But as I write that, can that be half bad?

Today has been a great day--an emotional day but totally fulfilling, as if I touched every corner of my internal landscape.

I am SO in search of something right now--open to the moments as they come to me, sitting back, taking it in...doing well to ride the middle space--not tipping too far to either extreme of crushing sadness or intoxicating elation.

It's all good.

I'll be there again--next week perhaps, or in a minute. My passion overtakes me from time to time...most of the time...usually.

But here...in this time, for this period...I ride the middle--watching for signs, listening for cues, following clues...open. I remain open.

Good things are coming.

Ahh...

Anyway, it's 11:20 PM. I just finished a movie that I was hoping to be my next "Feast of Love". Sometimes, rarely, a movie speaks to me--speaks into a corner of my inside that waits for this sort of whisper. This was "Feast of Love" for me and tonight, I thought it might be "My Blueberry Nights".

No suck luck, no such chance.

It was good--interesting characters but very little pull in. I was so not impressed with Nora Jones as an actress. Like, was her musical contribution conditional? Was she doled a role for trade?

She's alright but alright does not an actress make.

Perhaps I expected too much--that's a lot of pressure for a movie to have to speak to the corners of one's insides.

That's a funny sentence.

'Night

Emotion Work

As I sit down to write, to channel my thoughts onto the screen before me, to wade through the words as I seek out the adequate, dare I say, perfect structure of expression, I feel guilty.

I am so devoted to my children, so hyper-aware of my impact on them and the opportunities inherent in each moment that I am frequently struck by guilt when I'm not with them, interacting, entertaining, educating, talking with, listening to, working for.

If only there were some sort of formula for the proper use of time toward child-rearing.

Yeah right.

So each thought that I have is interrupted by the pull, the feeling of angst building inside as they play in another room, occupying themselves while mommy writes, thinks, reads...hell, while mommy breathes. Unloads. Unwinds.

I don't have my late nights to unfold into any more--I'm too damn tired. 11:00 at night and I'm looking for my pillow through heavy lids and a tired body.

I miss my late nights--it was time that I felt I could have without feeling as if I was taking it away from someone else...them.

There's a sociological term for what I'm dealing with--I'll have to look it up.

Hmmm...Now that I've written that, my curiosity is peaked...I'll have to go scope the bookshelf. Otherwise, I'll make up my own.

Aha!

'Emotion work' coined by Arlie Hochschild.

I knew it existed man--I read her like the bible in grad school.

Emotion work: relates to the unpaid emotional work that a person undertakes in their relationships with family and friends. Examples of emotion work include showing affection, apologizing after an argument, bringing up problems that need to be addressed in an intimate relationship or any kind of interpersonal relationship, and making sure the household runs smoothly. Cultural norms often imply that emotion work is reserved for females.

SO not my words. I nabbed from the web--Wikipedia to be exact, which no good researcher ever admits but in this respect, I can because I have studied enough Arlie Hochschild and others to know that this definition of emotion work is dead on.

I'm done for now. The guilt won.