Simple Pleasures

I decided to go to the beach today by myself--the kids are still away and I've yet to arrange time for me. Sure, I've had a cup of coffee here or a lunch there but usually I'm just stopping in, taking a break from a busy day of job hunting or dropping off applications or meeting with my thesis advisor--whatever.

Today, was a date with me.

I lotioned up before I left the house to avoid the gritty experience of lotioning on the beach, trimmed the hedge if you know what I'm sayin', put a bandanna on my head so I wouldn't have to worry about burning my dome--because I wanted to walk and walk and walk and not be dissuaded by my fear of too much sun.

So I walked--I smiled from the inside out, I reflected as the waves crashed creating a rhythm I could breath to, unfold to. It was beautiful--it was serene.

As I was walking I noticed something that drew me to it, veering off my path a bit. It was a conch shell the size of the palm of my hand--I couldn't believe it. There it was, in perfect form except for a minor chip, a mere scar from it's journey across the ocean floor to me.

This shell became my omen--just when you least expect it, there it is. Whatever 'it' is--just when you least expect it, there it is. I took her as a sign and held her close to me like an anchor--my eyes filled with tears. Everything moves me as of late, everything speaks to me--either I'm open to some sort of cosmic language or I'm one foot in the door of the crazy hotel. Either way, senses heightened for sure.

I walked for two hours--I never have this sort of time. It reminds me of when I first moved to Florida, god, 16 years ago. I LIVED at the beach--it was my oasis as I struggled with a whole other stock of grievances.

It was nice--god it was more than nice. I am on this path of discovering that I am whole after all, that I am enough, that I am an individual outside of my children and that's okay. I thought I had already discovered that because I didn't believe a lot of my identity rested in my role as mother but I think it did, more than I knew.

I will not fill this space apologizing for or minimizing what I just said--it will stand on its own, judgements and judgers be damned.

Later, I had dinner with myself at my favorite Thai spot--Tom Ka Gai soup with fried tofu and peanut dipping sauce. As far as I could see, my table of one was the best spot in the place.

It was enough, I was enough.