Rock Bottom

Sometimes--I have to hit it. I fall and sink and collapse and crumble but until I land at my lowest, the nadir of my experience, I have no way back again.

So I did--thank god. The relief is palpable.

I was beginning to wonder it there was a bottom in this case--I've had two episodes that scared the shit out of me when seen from my outside. Especially the most recent. I didn't recognize myself, I didn't recognize the words coming out of my mouth but that didn't stop them from coming.

I though I might have to be hospitalized in order to be stabilized--I almost wanted it. I wanted to surrender in the most profound way. No. I wanted to give up. I was tired. I was weak. I was despondent.

Certainly, the alcohol didn't help but it didn't create this personal reckoning of mine out of thin air--what it did was tap into the fear, the confusion, the despondency that I have lived within for the last two months. I turned inside out on my bed and the pain poured out of me.