Ghosts

I was confronted with a ghost from my past--just when I was thinking about her. Isn't that how it happens anyway? I was in the grocery store and I thought I saw her. When I looked to see that it wasn't her after all, I wondered what I would do if I did see her. Would I just walk away in disgust? Would I glare? Would I pretend I didn't see her? Would I hold back from hugging her? Would I laugh nervously? Would I be able to speak at all?

So many questions. How have you been? How's your daughter? Your husband? Your mom, dad? What are your dreams now? How close are you to them? Do you remember when...

She was my heart at one time. The only dearness I had ever found in female companionship back then.

It's no secret, I went through some serious shit when my marriage fell apart. Times like that, you fall apart and piece yourself back together in various ways, finding a good fit. There were nights when I thought I was going to die--the pain in my chest was crushing. How was I going to raise my children alone? How would I financially support my family? How would I keep our house? It was terrifying.

She was there--frightened as she was entering motherhood, she was there. I knew she was scared of being a mother--who the hell isn't? It's not all kisses and snuggles when you're sleep deprived and your boobs ache from nursing and your identity is compromised by the new arrival. But she was there and I knew she loved me.

We were really close, almost too close, and because of that, we were probably the greatest weapons against each other. Unfortunately, we found out. We parted ways for a bit--it was crushing for me.

After 9/11, she called me--wanted to make peace because who wasn't scared and confused in that wake? So we did and continued where we left off, pacing ourselves this time. Tempering our relationship--it's like we both knew.

Then, I don't know what happened--nothing, anything, everything. Harsh words in an email and it was over.

I was left stunned and hurt--paralyzed for a bit toward friendship.

I have thought of her often--probably a few times a week. I have even thought that if we just had one more chance, we could do this thing. We are both strong women and we are both open to our own change, we just haven't always been open to each other's change.

We were each shaped by each other somewhere along the way and we were each hurt by each other somewhere along the way. It's been long enough and I think I'm ready to find out what I'd do if I saw her.

But the universe gave me a buffer and my family saw her first.