Freaking out

I completed my last course in the Master of Sociology program May of 2006. Since that time, I have (allegedly) been working on my thesis. I was hard core at first, then the slacking off came and finally, the cessation. I'm so ashamed but I'm also terrified. How can I begin again and really finish what I started?

I have little self-discipline, I suppose. When I started the thesis route, I was enrolled in thesis courses--empty courses designed to allow the student and the professor meeting time to discuss the progress of the student and the project. That was cool. I designed my project, received approval from the review board, interviewed my participants, researched the literature and analyzed my transcripts. That is about where I hit the wall.

My time was becoming my own again, I was enjoying the days and nights with my children, enjoying an open schedule again--I had taken an intense course load to finish in a "reasonable" amount of time and for several years, I was consumed in school and had limited time for other things. With my time as my own, we would go to parks, read, start and finish fun projects, bake cookies, whatever we wanted--all without the looming cloud of homework or research for mommy. I began to enjoy this absence of stress and commitment.

Have I become lazy and/unmotivated? Maybe a little.

But I think it's less to do with my level of motivation and more to do with fear. It's been so long since I acquainted myself with the research that I fear the size of the project I am up against. What if I have to read the books or articles again? That scares the shit out of me!

Bottom line, I have to start somewhere--I need to pay the fuckin' 10 bucks a month and get my library privileges back at the University. Not like I didn't pay them enough money in the days I attended--whatever. At this point, I'll do what I have to do, I'll do whatever it takes--what else can I do? Not get this degree? Have $50,000 in student loans for a master's size education and have no masters? No fucking way man.

I wish I had a cool, chilled relationship with my thesis advisor--don't get me wrong, she's great! Her insight is keen and she has this way of getting me to see my own point and to clarify my muddled ideas. It's really quite amazing. BUT she's a machine. I wish I had her dedication and discipline but I'm at the other end of the spectrum. Furthermore, she's put so much of HER time into this project that admitting my flailing around to her admits that I've wasted her time and mine.

I'm all alone and it sucks.

I'll get through this crazy month first and start somewhere. Even if it means that I spend the first month reviewing old literature. What else can I do? I worked too hard to get to this point. I deserve that damn degree.