During the time when no one wants me

9/23/07

Tonight the kids are out of the house for a few hours. It's been nice. No one needs me right now, no one calls on me to referee an argument, decide a fate, fix a snack or whatever else I am usually called to do. Tonight, I and I alone decide what's next.

I did yoga for about an hour, listened to some music online, drank a cup of coffee, talked to my mom on the phone (for 104 minutes) and now I write.

There is nothing especially eventful about my evening, nothing that changes the course of my life and that's the kick--nothingness, life in the context of nothingness, in the absence of obligation or requisites. I serve only myself during this time.

This is quite a change for a mom, a person fashioned by her culture and her children to provide, answer, listen, nurture, sympathize--pay attention when you could absolutely care less. There are days when I will stop what I'm doing to observe the latest Lego creation with mustered astonishment and pride and I pull it off pretty well. There are other days when I look in the direction of the Lego creation but I don't see it and my performance is more of a challenge.

Why do I feel like I have to care? Why do I find it so hard, in fact, impossible to say, "Ya know what? Legos just don't ring my bell and I have other things to do right now that I find to be more important than multi-colored plastic blocks that snap together." Well, for one, I'd be a schmuck if I EVER dared to speak that way to my children. So, at times I must feign an interest because it means something to them and my interest shapes how they see themselves in that moment and quite possibly, as a person in general. That's what mothers do.

Who else will celebrate their 104,556,789th colored picture if you won't? Who will commend the architectural complexities of their Lego high rise if you don't? Who will time their sprint to the end of the street, watch them catch the ball in their glove or listen as they share a captivating snippet from a story they're reading, if not mom? It's why these evenings are so restorative for me, my time to hear only myself, to please only myself and to revel in the silence where the only noise is music I play too loud because I'm the only one listening (and I don't have to bother myself with fears of damaging their delicate inner ear or being on guard for inappropriate lyrics).

The bottom line is really this: I do care but I need those breaks from having to care in order to keep the "care" genuine and pure, not obligatory or forced. I'm shaping humans here but I am merely human myself and one with needs of her own.


9/26/07

Alright, I failed again--life gave me lemons and I squeezed them in my eyes. I could not even pull off caring today as I dragged my butt around in service of my kids.

I had three hours of sleep last night, went in to work for most of the day, left to meet up with a friend at the local community art center who was graciously supervising my children and her own as they crafted for two hours. When we left there, the kids and I swung by our house (which has become a rest area in the speedway of our lives)had a quick bite to eat and left for my daughter's dance rehearsal which overlapped with my son's theater rehearsal by 30 minutes (one hour when you add in drive time)--at 10:00 this evening, we were finally on our way home.

Despite a few comments about being a chaperon and wanting my time back, I fared well and I think they did to--I mean, hey, their interests were fully supported today.

My son asked to play a game when we got home. I spared him from my "do you have any idea how tired I am from doing all that I did for you today" lecture and just said, "no".

I managed to keep the car somewhere in between three lanes on my way home and kept my dirty little mood to myself. When we turned onto our street, I told the kids to go inside, brush their teeth and get in bed.

Inside, they did as I asked and I kissed their little faces before sending them to bed. Now I take this time to restore before another go of it tomorrow.

Do not mistake my tone for disinterest or contempt. I enjoy their well-roundedness. I adore watching my son act and my daughter dance--they each have amazing gifts and, on most days, I'm delighted to be along for their ride. I just need some balance, I am human and one with needs of her own.