A settling

Wow--the last few months have been crazy for sure. SO much change and so much upheaval, uncertainty, conflicting emotions--I have experienced the range, I have plummeted to my knees and I have risen beyond my physical self.

Now that the kiddos are home I have had to reevaluate my role in their lives--there has been an adjustment period. I cannot be consumed by my role for them any longer, just as I cannot be consumed by my role as partner to another person. I don't really know what happened on August 6th when I staked my claim on my own future and ended my relationship of 7 years, I have some ideas, but for the most part, I think I had begun to buckle under the weight of so much need from those around me. I had lost me and reached for any anchor I could draw to myself for stability and respite.

While the kids were away with my family, I drew into myself and came face-to-face with my essence. The ride has been life-changing. Not only that, I allowed my yoga practice to unfold and go deeper, to become a real part of my life, to become what I turn to and where I shape the path of my life. I met me. Not me the mother, not me the partner, not me the anything other than me, the essence.

I have always been afforded these wonderful periods of realization where I am able to find out what I'm made of--this was one of those and I still believe, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am unbreakable.

I followed my path all the way through the darkness, to where some might not dare to go lest they be lost forever but I went and I dared the space and I surfaced changed.

I don't know what this will look like in 2 weeks, 2 months or even tomorrow but I know, I know with the certainty that I know the sun will rise, I know I will make it and they will make it and I will never settle for less again, at least not without an eventual awareness of my bargain.

This life man, this is it. The stakes are high and as a mother, the stakes are higher as you navigate lives--more than just you and the challenge is to do so without getting lost.

I start my new full-time job next week, the one I have prayed for, the one my family and friends have prayed for, for me. It was quite the interfaith prayer circle we had going.

I am thrilled to be starting this journey--unprecedented in my life thus far. I have always enjoyed my work as a victim advocate, this position is an extension of that work and already the connections and relationships that I will be building for myself excite me.

I am further defining my identity, an identity I have not had the luxury of defining past my children.--not because of them necessarily but because I lost sight of me.

Here's to eyes wide open...