as I've made a habit of doing here, my life has been busy. I have had NO time to myself and when I have managed to squelch some out, I waste it or veg from utter exhaustion.
I have become a working mom--well, I've always worked, that's what we moms do but as of late, I work a lot more outside of the house for pay. I'm teaching yoga 6 days a week and still on call as a rape advocate 1 day and 1 night a week.
I have no choice but to have this schedule of mine so racked full of paid labor--student loans are due this month. I have extended for as long as I can, no more extensions allowed in my future--it is time.
Why I have them at all is another story for another time but the sound bite is this: stay-at-home mother finds herself without the husband she once depended on, the one who vowed to stay and provide and nurture, and she returns to school for an education and access to loans enabling her to be the presence she always planned and wanted to be in her dear children's lives.
The shitter is this, if I don't pay my student loans, I will have everything in my life seized and every dollar in my future garnished. He doesn't pay child support for children he fathered and no one notices but me.
The government gets a lot of free rides from us moms--this is just one more freakin' turn on the Ferris Wheel as I see it.
Coming back from that little rant, that has clearly been sitting at the surface needing voice, I have enjoyed several weeks of relative financial freedom. Well, it's more like a vacation because when on vacation, you go away and eventually return. We've had some spurts of unexpected money that has cushioned us and in between the cushions we come right back to where we always reside--shit broke.
I have enjoyed picking up dinner here and there instead of cooking, buying a cup of coffee a few mornings a week throwing caution to the wind, stocking up on bulk items from our local Corporate-Co and paying bills that might typically be ranked in order of importance. The ride is almost over.
We have one more stimulus check coming but because of other expenses, most necessary and some frivolous, that check is paying our mortgage this month. It is spoken for and the tight reigns of my financial life pull me back in check.
It will be alright--if I look at my life from the outside in, I see these patterns. The ups followed by downs followed by ups followed by downs. The certainty is there, this certainty that I long for, this assurance or "knowing"--it has been and will forever be there all the time. When I am up, I am sure to come down yet when I am down, I am sure to come up.
The trick is finding peace in those variations, those fluctuations of spirit, mood and situation.
In yoga, I tell my students to ride the breath--when in poses that challenge your mind and your body, ride the breath, notice the breath and how it creates the subtle changes of alignment, how it focuses the mind.
So I breathe...and live.
I have always been (and still am) the person who likes hitting rock bottom in Monopoly or any other board game with colorful money involved. Every time I play I'm okay with financially sinking and in retrospect I see that I enjoy the creativity sparked from necessity. My senses heighten and my mind clears and necessity dictates my actions.
My best papers were always written the night before and my best actions come forth when the chips are down.
I am a creative soul and money, it's presence or absence in my life, will not be my demise because in pouring my heart, soul and labor into my children their entire lives, I figure, I am well into a sweet little IRA.
Mommy wants an apartment in NY with a rooftop garden plot and a monthly allowance enough to sustain me in-between your visits.
Love,
Mom
I have become a working mom--well, I've always worked, that's what we moms do but as of late, I work a lot more outside of the house for pay. I'm teaching yoga 6 days a week and still on call as a rape advocate 1 day and 1 night a week.
I have no choice but to have this schedule of mine so racked full of paid labor--student loans are due this month. I have extended for as long as I can, no more extensions allowed in my future--it is time.
Why I have them at all is another story for another time but the sound bite is this: stay-at-home mother finds herself without the husband she once depended on, the one who vowed to stay and provide and nurture, and she returns to school for an education and access to loans enabling her to be the presence she always planned and wanted to be in her dear children's lives.
The shitter is this, if I don't pay my student loans, I will have everything in my life seized and every dollar in my future garnished. He doesn't pay child support for children he fathered and no one notices but me.
The government gets a lot of free rides from us moms--this is just one more freakin' turn on the Ferris Wheel as I see it.
Coming back from that little rant, that has clearly been sitting at the surface needing voice, I have enjoyed several weeks of relative financial freedom. Well, it's more like a vacation because when on vacation, you go away and eventually return. We've had some spurts of unexpected money that has cushioned us and in between the cushions we come right back to where we always reside--shit broke.
I have enjoyed picking up dinner here and there instead of cooking, buying a cup of coffee a few mornings a week throwing caution to the wind, stocking up on bulk items from our local Corporate-Co and paying bills that might typically be ranked in order of importance. The ride is almost over.
We have one more stimulus check coming but because of other expenses, most necessary and some frivolous, that check is paying our mortgage this month. It is spoken for and the tight reigns of my financial life pull me back in check.
It will be alright--if I look at my life from the outside in, I see these patterns. The ups followed by downs followed by ups followed by downs. The certainty is there, this certainty that I long for, this assurance or "knowing"--it has been and will forever be there all the time. When I am up, I am sure to come down yet when I am down, I am sure to come up.
The trick is finding peace in those variations, those fluctuations of spirit, mood and situation.
In yoga, I tell my students to ride the breath--when in poses that challenge your mind and your body, ride the breath, notice the breath and how it creates the subtle changes of alignment, how it focuses the mind.
So I breathe...and live.
I have always been (and still am) the person who likes hitting rock bottom in Monopoly or any other board game with colorful money involved. Every time I play I'm okay with financially sinking and in retrospect I see that I enjoy the creativity sparked from necessity. My senses heighten and my mind clears and necessity dictates my actions.
My best papers were always written the night before and my best actions come forth when the chips are down.
I am a creative soul and money, it's presence or absence in my life, will not be my demise because in pouring my heart, soul and labor into my children their entire lives, I figure, I am well into a sweet little IRA.
Mommy wants an apartment in NY with a rooftop garden plot and a monthly allowance enough to sustain me in-between your visits.
Love,
Mom
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