I will let them see me

I have had an epiphany of sorts since my last column--the one where I recorded an instance of losing my shit over a Styrofoam vegetable tray.

I am the best damn' example of a human being. I'm good material. I am open, honest, raw, exposed--I don't build walls, don't know how. I don't create facades--I've worked too hard to be me.

I have moments, instances, where the context of my young life determines how I will react. Those pesky little neuron pathways have yet to be rerouted, completely. But more often than not, I'm deciding the next mom move. More often than not, I'm acting within and because of my love for my children and my desire to rock motherhood.

A wise friend of mine shared something with me under the last full moon. She said at least you can go back. At first, I was thinking, did she just hear what I read to her? Go back? How so--cuz if you've got some sort of mothering time machine... And then, as if in response to my inner-sarcasm she finished with, "you can catch yourself and admit that the way you responded is not how you want to continue--it's not how you meant to act, not what you meant to say."

Something about that made sense to me. I couldn't very well always stop the trains but perhaps I could jump from them for my children.

I could let them see me, see the struggle that is me, the struggles that are my insides.

The Tao of Parenting--yeah that's great for sealing failure and breeding inadequacy, sometimes. Where's the Tao for mama standing with her insides exposed or the Tao for mama with foot in mouth? The Tao is full of many contrasting verses but you never hear 'if you want your children to be calm show them how to be a raging lunatic.'

So here is my Tao, if you ever in a million years want your children to have a strong sense of self and place, show them your struggle and your path so they don't think for one second that living is easy.

I said in my last column, I've been better but I've been worse. I want to edit that statement. I've been worse than I ever planned on being but I've also been better than I've ever known. I have a way of focusing on what I don't do as their mom, on what I don't provide, on how I fuck up. What I lack in forethought and patience, I make up for in honesty, humility and humanness.

And, I can go back says my friend under the full moon. I can let them see me. The view's not so bad.