Writing Time

The kids are writing in their journals right now so I figured I would be a good example and do some writing myself. Especially because I desperately need another column and have yet to stumble upon inspiration--usually inspiration for my column comes from my bad mothering moments and I haven't had any of those lately. I think for those sort of columns, the beauty is in their raw honesty--they're refreshing because it's comforting to admit, and have others admit, that this mothering gig is hard and we fuck up but we're not alone in our fucking up. And once we've moved past the fuck up, another is sure to follow. Give it time.

That's where I'm at now, not waiting to exhale--waiting to fuck up. But since I am currently dodging fuck ups, I shall share a blissful mothering vignette.

Last night was nice. My son was at rehearsals w/a friend and her family took him out to dinner w/them later in the evening. For some reason, beyond all explanation, I was exhausted--I had slept until 11:00 so there is no worthy excuse for me here. My exhaustion was exacerbated by the fact that I had a dull headache w/a firm grip on my temple region. This made for a sluggish existence and I'm sure my daughter had higher hopes for our evening together. Nevertheless, we stumbled through grocery shopping, had green tea sodas and made our way home. I warned her that I was crashing the second I walked in the door--and crash I did, after the groceries were put away.

She turned on Frasier, Season 3. I crashed on the sofa and she on the floor. Episode by episode we laid in the dark living room lit only by the television. It was a cozy waste of time but 4 episodes later, I was feeling much better. My dear daughter had been talking of jalapeno poppers--an appetizer she had at a family owned Mexican restaurant on her birthday--and was sucking me into her craving. So we scrounged the kitchen for some comparable snack. Turns out, sour cream, shredded cheese and hot sauce w/tortilla chips is not so bad--they're certainly not jalapeno poppers but are tasty nonetheless.

After our munchies, we cuddled on the sofa and watched some cool 'History of Rome' show on TV and later played Wizardology--I let her win *wink*

It was a nice savoring of time--I was not hostage to any preconceived notion of 'time'--what I should do, how much of what, etc.

Sure, there were better uses of the day yesterday. But for me, where I was, how I was feeling, I gave what I had and my daughter enjoyed our "time together"--she told me several times. We made a memory, a simple memory, complete w/green tea sodas, Frasier, Rome and rummaged nibbles.

This is me being at peace with where I'm at and where I've been and it feels damn good. In this place, I am one less critic--the harshest critic of all. Myself.