Found a new blog today...

The blogger is Michael and he's dying of cancer. His blog contains his reflections on the disease as it affects him, his musings on his life thus far, the pain, the absence of pain, poetry and photographs--his own work.

When I was on No Impact Man this morning, he referenced Michael's site in a post--I was intrigued that Michael was writing through his disease, knowing that he was going to die. I think that's a natural response on my part--we are all going to die and when we know of someone who has received confirmation, a deadline if you will, then we are drawn to them apprehensively, as if they were some sort of tour guide, a navigator of sorts of this enigmatic terrain.

For me personally, I am in awe by his calm, at least on the surface. He has accepted his fate and is living within the limits, in peace.

While reading through his posts, I was drawn to a poem of his that moved me. It really touched where I was needing to be touched this morning. Here it is:

Facing death
recalling the "virtues" of my life
(why am I keeping score?)
letting the foibles haunt me
Who am I trying to please?
What am I measuring up to?

We're all facing death right? Everyday we live is one more we don't. And I am guilty of tormenting myself when I don't perform to the standards that I have in place, ideals that I have for myself, benchmarks, a bar that I must meet. I will make myself sick w/grief as I assess my day when I lay my head down at night, always at night. When the lights go out and the house is quiet and the work has been done, it's then that I assess. It's then that the sound of my angry voice or the irrationality of my response to one of my children earlier in the day will haunt me--no, will terrorize me. My heart will beat erratically, my head will spin and I allow the regret to ravage me.

Why do I let the foibles haunt me? WHO AM I TRYING TO PLEASE?

It's fine to have goals and standards and values--they serve to shift our perspectives when perspectives become unaligned. To right our paths. But I suppose the challenge is to refrain from annihilating our selves when we don't..., well, when we don't measure up.