Untitled

There is no right way to start this--no proper title. Just a mother who lost her way for a moment, a day. I can't explain the hopelessness, the desperation, that consumed me this day, yesterday. This day when I had to will my legs to move, my face to smile, my voice to speak, my lungs to breathe, my lips to kiss and my arms to embrace. I was emotionally desolate. I had nothing to give.

The collapse of my patience and tolerance was foreboding--the moment had come and I had no will left to will against it. I said it--I half screamed-half cried it. "I could leave you both right now and not look back"

I could not talk after that for fear of what else I might say--what other soul-crushing purges I was capable of. I went to my bed and leaned into the warmth of the blankets and cried. I gathered my things to leave for the grocery and cried. I walked to the car, one heavy foot in front of the heavy other. I sat in the car and cried. I wanted to speak to them, to tell them I loved them, to tell them I could never leave them really but I was lost in a wilderness of despair. As I sat in my car, I thought about leaving--not physically driving to another place intentionally abandoning my children but I nursed the idea of what it might feel like as if to remind my head how much my heart needed them.

I pulled out of the drive, knowing that they were inside wondering when I was coming back and why I didn't say good-bye.

As I drove to the grocery, I prayed that I would not be killed in some freak driving accident that would leave my children scarred for the better part of their lives because the last words they heard me speak were in anger and the last image was me walking out the door, cold and stone faced--a shadow of the person and mom I usually am.

It was more of the same at the grocery--forced movements, head and eyes down, not daring contact with anyone.

Back at home, the fog was lifting and because I had arrived back home safely and still alive, I wanted them to know right away that they were my loves--the centers of my world because I want them there.

We talked and they understood with the compassion of children's hearts.