Why I am not writing my thesis (when I should be)...

I am not writing my thesis right now. I know I should. I have completed all of the graduate level courses for sociology but the ultimate symbol of my mastery is embodied in this project and I am on a self-elected hiatus. But I have a good reason. Actually, I have several. They are spelled out in no certain order below. The abbreviated version, if you are not interested in reading further, has to do with my children and the state of my self. Sometimes you just have to be the one who says what will happen next in your life—what will happen and what will not. This is my truth and this is me saying I will not write my thesis right now but I will explore the depths of my motherhood experience, I will explore the depths of my abilities in writing and I will I am not writing my thesis because I missed so much time with my children while I was taking courses in the Masters program. Because for three years my late nights were spent writing lengthy papers, reading academic texts and journals and whizzing by the small things that decorate life so perfectly—the mundane that got lost amid the complex.

I am not writing my thesis because my life is divided between three people and ensuring their well-being—myself, my daughter and my son. Because I would rather be reading to them and playing games. Because I would rather be cooking them meals and baking them cookies. Because I would rather be planning fun stuff for us to do together like events, crafts, projects, etc. Because I want to plan luncheon for their friends, down to the last detail. Because I want this time—my daughter is 11and my son is 8, I am running out of time. Because they mean so much to me and I to them. Because I enjoy their company. Because I do not see them as a “cost” or a “price” to pay—I see them as the only beauty, simplicity and purity available to me in this life. Because they saved me when they were born. Because the thesis is a realm for rational, scientific thoughts, ideas and explorations and I have acquired a taste for imagination, whim and personal experience in my time outside academia.

Because my interests have changed—I want to see where my writing can take me.

Because I think I want another child.

I am not writing my thesis because I am a mother with a time table nontransferable in the material world—I have a whole other pace that I keep. Because I want to drive my children to activities and lessons. Because I want to hang out with them in a bookstore. Because, daily, in them, I find pieces of myself and I like what I see. Because even on those days that I don’t like what I see, when reflected back, I see the potential for growth, change, evolution. Because they have been an existential mirror yet they love me unconditionally—there are no judgments here. Because there are no judgments here—no judgments.

My success will always look a bit different because I divide my life among myself and my children—it’s a commitment I made to them when I first kissed their soft, warm, fleshy faces. I have wavered along the way, I have let them down and I have not always been the mother that I wanted to be but I am committed to coming as close as possible to that promise.

The bottom-line is this: I am not writing my thesis because I only have this life. I only have this one chance. No one is twisting my arm. I chose this—I choose this. I am choosing to postpone my degree for this time in order to savor their laugh, their smiles, their words, their stories, their voices, their little bodies growing leaner and less baby-like everyday, in order to savor their minds, their hearts. I only have this one chance. I only have this one life. Because loving and rearing children is complex. It is challenging, inspiring, exhausting in a way that renews as it depletes, it is fulfilling, joyful, exhilarating and necessary to my survival. Because I love them. Because it feels right.

I am not writing my thesis because I am more inspired by my children than the objective world I had built for myself in the Masters program. I am moved by the emotion of the ride. I am enveloped in the experience—I dare not look away, not right now.

I am not writing my thesis because I am writing something else so much more important. I am writing the story of a woman finding herself while raising children with all of her mind, body, soul and heart.