Out of the house...

So I escaped...and that's what it felt like too. Isn't that terrible?

I felt like the walls were closing in--like if another person said my name or called upon me, I would break into a million tiny pieces, settling among the piling animal hair already on my dirty-ass-because-I-lack-the-will-to-clean-it floor.

I love my children, I do but mommy's going crazy right now.

I'm babysitting this week, keeping me pretty much stuck inside the house--ha. Now that's a laugh, a real freakin' hoot when I consider the volatile state I'm in. Like a soda bottle that has been shaken or dropped and the next person needing me seeks to take the cap off.

Stand back.

At least my humor has returned, however dark.

Once in the car, I felt a sense of relief that has been evading me all day, well, since the last time I was out of the house.

The pressure is on man. There's no reprieve. I must endure this break-up and all the shit attached, while simultaneously mothering, educating, listening to and supporting my children.

In all seriousness, I did just have an idea...

...went away to act upon said idea. Done.

My kiddos are going to stay with the grandparents--I see light.

Light for them, light for me. I'm no fun to be around right now. I'm not good for them right now because I'm hardly good for myself.

This space will allow me to look for a job, sort out my housing situation, breathe, be inside myself if that's where I need to be--stay inside myself if that's where I need to stay.

See I left the house and was able to think. This epiphany might not have happened had I stayed within those walls, those closing in walls.

The grandparents will be here in two weeks to pick them up and then I can turn to me, solely. To me.

Maybe then, the letting go can begin.

Let It Go
by Donna Faulds

Let go of the ways you thought life would unfold;
the holding of plans or dreams or expectations -
Let it all go.
Save your strength to swim with the tide.
The choice to fight what is here before you now
will only result in struggle, fear, and desperate attempts to flee
from the very energy you long for.
Let it go.
Let it all go and flow with the grace
that washes through your days
whether you receive it gently
or with all your quills raised to defend against invaders.
Take this on faith:
The mind may never find
the explanations that it seeks,
but you will move forward nonetheless.
Let go, and the wave's crest
will carry you to unknown shores,
beyond your wildest dreams or destinations.
Let it all go and find the place of rest and peace,
and certain transformation.