I have missed you, self.

I have missed me so much--it's been too long and I have way too much to say for one night's worth of words.

We went away last week and I came down with a terrible illness--it caused an asthma attack. I could not breathe and my chest was tightening with every breath that I heaved from it. I thought I was going to die. Literally. I was terrified--what would my children do without me? I know I give myself a lot of credit but I'm a god damn good mother, I mother them like no one else could--I have no good replacement here. That's a lot of fucking pressure for one person--one mortal person. It made the experience even worse--I could not die, I had to fight the pressure and pain building in my chest.

At 2:00 in the morning, I asked my partner to take me to the ER--different city and all, I had to stop what was happening to me lest I be an accomplice in my death.

If ER's can be pleasant, this one was. They were nice to me, even AFTER I admitted that I did not have insurance. My EKG was normal, my lung x-ray was clear--*REALLY???* That fucked with my head--my lungs felt anything but clear. Anyway. I was put on a breathing machine with yummy oxygen and even yummier drip meds filtering through the oxygen--all topped with a shot to the ass sure to ease my "anxiety"--yeah, I guess I got a bit flustered when I couldn't breathe, I'm crazy like that.

In minutes I could breathe--my chest pain was easing and my lungs were opening up. I wasn't going to die, at least not this particular night. The cute little doctor with her cute little blond ponytail prescribed an inhaler to use as needed should the the shortness of breath reoccur. Sweet. I was rapidly falling into a hazy little place filled with peace and oxygen--after that shot in my ass she could have brought the bill right then and I would have written her a check with a crayon.

Regardless--I wasn't dying, not that night and it was an amazing feeling.