My daughter made me think...

Last night my daughter asked me if I regretted anything about my life--would I change anything if I could? I thought for only a second because I had asked myself this question before--I had more than asked, I had answered.

No. There's nothing I would change--no regrets.

Or, perhaps I had plenty of regrets but nothing I would change.

Hmmm. She really opened a window of thought for me that has lasted well beyond our conversation. At that moment, I told her, sure, there were things in my life that I wish had been different (history of sexual abuse at the hands of paternal grandfather, little family time in my home, better relationship with mother, etc.) but, I also expressed to her, had they been different, I might have ended up in a different place this many years later and I'm not sure I want to know where that might have been. I told her that every moment in my life--every one, even those I'd rather forget--led to my here and now, with my children and my rising consciousness.

Later in the evening, as I was re-thinking my answer to her question, my certainty waned. Was I being honest with myself or my daughter in my previous answer? Am I just protecting myself and my psyche by saying that there is nothing I would change, that I have no regrets because I know that there is not a damn thing that I can do about any of it now?

I do not like that I was sexually molested at the hands of my paternal grandfather. At times, I do not like the adolescent child I was. Most times, I do not like the teenager I was. Sometimes, I do not like the mother I am because I lose my cool and yell and tear down my precious children. Even now, in my life, sometimes I say the wrong thing. Sometimes I do the wrong thing. Sometimes I live in haste and lose moments I might have treasured. Sometimes I live in a fog and lose moments I might have made into memories. Realistically, wouldn't I want to change any and all of this if it were within my power to do so?

The power to change one moment, any moment or many moments of life is one that we, as humans, do not possess. Yet still, I have asked myself many, many times--would I, if I could? If, by changing those moments, it got me to the exact same point--then yes. Change away. Of course I would alter those blips in my life, delicately erase the moments, in between other moments and recreate how I might have been, what I might have done, what I should have said, etc. However, I do not see how this would be possible--even in my imagined world of being able to change things in my life. Every moment is so delicately hinged on the one before, sometimes they bridge each other--one moment in my present might span years of moments to connect to just the right one in the past. The chaos that could ensue!

Alas, left with no magical eraser or method for changing parts of my life without altering my entire life, I live on an imperfect being. And perhaps, in some way, I can change--not the past mind you, but perhaps I can use the past to change where I go from here, what I do from here, how I regard my life, how I regard others, how I spend my time, how I use my words, ad infinitum. I can be more aware by knowing that I have been unaware. I can be more mindful by knowing that I have been less mindful. I can be more patient and gentle by knowing that I have been less. I can be more or less depending on my past deficit or excess. I can atone for my mistakes in how I elect to spend my present, my future.

I love the windows of thought that are opened by my children. Her one question centered my mind causing more deliberateness in my existence--rather, in my living. Because to exist is to be but to live is to be here...with purpose.