The end of one more day

And just like that it goes--a culmination of my actions, inactions, choices, words and interactions. I should be in mourning for the day that will never grace my existence again, I should cry for it's passing but I don't. The best homage I can pay for these days that come and go is to live in them the best that I can. To hold fast to my core as the shell around it and the world beyond move at a pace allowing for nothing less than order--predictable passage.

I am proud of me today--these are the instances I overcame:

1. Daughter spilling an entire sectioned box of beads on the floor--I calmly told her to pick them up and order them the way I had them.
2. Son breaking my terracotta oil burner--I hugged him and told him he was more important than the oil burner and to transition his tears into giggles, I told him he could buy me a new one with his birthday money.
3. Daughter freaking out about her coursework--calmly talked with her and strategized how we could work together to achieve her success.
4. Son pouring a cup of water when the lid to the pitcher fell off and the water showered the floor, no, more like flooded the floor. We laughed and I threw him a towel.

On any given day the above reactions might be an anger that I swore I was resistant to when my own mother unleashed hers upon me as a child. I vowed to rise above her anger--to love and to speak without rage if ever I had children.

I have, in every sense of failing, failed to avoid the rage. My rage might look different from my own mother's as it comes without the physical accompaniment but rage is rage is rage. Rage is failing to feel the presence of the human standing before you, failing to nurture and protect their psyche, failing to rise above an irrational impulse--failed clarity that you are, indeed, living one day closer to the last day you will live and breathe upon this plane of existence.

I can be better than this--I can be more aware, more mindful. I owe it to myself and my children so that they might not be a slave to rage in their own lives. It cripples and it hinders growth, hinders love and connection.

"There is a peace within me that cannot be disturbed" I owe special thanks to a fellow hip mama for allowing me to take this special quote for my daily mantra.

Breathe. I will count for something more than inherited imperfection--I will shine in the dark and I will rise with purpose and poise.