My immortality...

I had trouble sleeping last night as I contemplated my mortality--well, contemplated makes it sound like some peaceful consideration of my life, it's worth and it's inevitable end--this could not be further from the truth. It was more of a panic attack as I considered my time on earth and estimated my time left based on the average life span of a healthy woman. I always try to calm myself down in these such panic attacks my reminding myself that I will have no idea that I'm dead, when I'm dead--it's morbidly refreshing and positively dismal. Nevertheless, I thought differently about my fate this morning.

I was hugging my children after they crawled out of bed and as I held their little bodies against my own, I had a sudden flash of clarity and a glimpse of distant time. This clarity offered me my immortality. I have started a line of beings, who will start their own line, who will start theirs. How I affect them determines, to some (rather large) degree, the effect they will have during their time. The gravity of this moment moves me to a place where I am vulnerable and raw yet powerful and resolute. I have a moment of clarity as I consider my legacy.

I am immortal when I speak to them. I am immortal when I take them in my arms. I am immortal when I praise them. I am immortal when I belittle them. I am immortal when I listen to their words. I am immortal when I do not. I am immortal when I laugh with them. I am immortal when I scream. I am immortal when I hold their little bodies in my lap and I am immortal when I tell them just how intensely cool it is to be their mom.

And now, I'm not sure what's scarier in the wake of my clarity--my mortality or my immortality. It's sure to be another long night...